And it all comes crashing down

Today was a new experience for me, and not really "new" in a good way. I've had to come to grips with the fact that I am not OK, that this treatment is taking a toll on me more than I have wanted to admit. I don't like admitting that I am weak, that I can't do everything I could do before. I have been pushing myself to lead a normal non-treatment life, and purposely not telling people about it so they won't look at me differently. I guess I need to come to terms with reality, though. I have to realize that I am not 100% by any means, today was the first day that it really hit me, and it hit me hard - I wound up in the emergency room.

Let me start from the beginning.

This morning, I woke up at 4:30 a.m., just like every other day I have to open Highliner. I went to work and everything was fine; although I felt hungrier than usual. Anyway, I got everything set up for work and was just chatting with Brandy, the baker, while I waited for customers.

Around 6 a.m. I decided to cook my oatmeal because my stomach just didn't seem right; i figured eating would help - it usually cures most things that are ever wrong with me - food is good! I took a couple bites of oatmeal, but then a customer pulled up to the drive-thru. I started fixing her double tall skinny latte but felt weird. I was dizzy and a little disoriented - definitely not OK. I went and grabbed the phone by the cash register at the window, dropped it, picked it back up and dialed my bosses number while walking back to the espresso machine. Melissa answered. I remember saying "Melissa, It's Coral down at the shop. I'm not feeling well, I think that you should call someone else." That's as much as I remember saying to her, and next thing I know my head is up against the espresso machine and I'm stairing at the phone, which was no longer connected - weird. I fumbled with the machine to swish around the latte milk steaming, and to pore the shots, and next thing I know I'm falling to the floor. I don't really remember hitting, but I was awake for the fall and got right back up. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew that I needed to finish the drink I was making and get this women out-a-here so I could hang my head out the window and get some fresh air.

I took the women her latte and began to ring her up. I was trying to push the appropriate buttons on the cash register to ring her up, but next thing I know, I'm being woken up to Brandy and Dee (the women with the latte) freaking out and saying to call 911. Brandy helped me sit up and asks if I want her to call 911, and of course I say "no, i think i'm fine." However, Melissa (my boss who i had already called), got weirded out that I hung up on her, so she went and looked at the TV moniters in her house, which stream there from the shop. She saw me pass out, and had already called 911! The fire station is right next door, so three EMTs ran over and beet the ambulance! I was pale as a ghost and my blood pressure and pulse were crazy high. They advised that I go to the hospital, but they were not forcing me to take the ambulance. I called my dad and he came to get me. Haha, so me... always thinking about saving money. Why pay for the ambulance when I can just get a ride?

My lab work came out fine in the emergency room, and my heart is just fine - not a heart attack. The doctor figures the same as what I had told the EMTs. I took my shot for treatment last night, and this was probably just some sort of reaction to it. Suggested treatment from the doc = rest up and drink lots of fluids - surprise surprise! This was only the second week of my new work schedule. I didn't use to open the morning after taking my shot. Last Wednesday I was super tiered all day. When I took my break at 9 a.m., I went to Sunni's office and put my head on the desk cause i just wanted to go to sleep. Anyone who knows me, knows that that is not me. When I am up, I am up. I don't take naps - I don't need naps... I'm just an all around energized smiley girl. Not last Wednesday. I got off work and went home and slept for a few hours!

So, this Wednesday, what was different? Why instead of being just super tiered, did I pass the fuck out and end up in the hospital with tubes, gowns, tongue depressors, thermometers, stethoscopes and urine samples? I don't know and the doctor couldn't tell me, but what I do know is that this treatment is getting more tricky. I can't keep things from people when I pass out in front of them. Now, I'm going to have to give some sort of explanation to my boss. Do i tell her about my illness, or do i just give her some half truth about adverse reactions to some medication that I'm taking and that everything will be fine. What ever I tell her, I should probably let her know that opening on Wednesdays probably isn't the best idea for me.

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm tiered and Its time to take a nap. It has been an eventful morning and its only 10 a.m.

OUCH... My elbow hurts... damn cement/tile floor must smacked it as I hit the deck :(

I feel like shit...

I love the holidays - I really do. I love a white Christmas and everyone coming home to be with friends and family. I love getting a tree and decorating. I love baking cookies and delivering them to all our neighbors and friends. I usually really get into the Holiday season. Not this year, though.

I don't know why, but this year, I have just had trouble getting into it. I boycotted our tree, which is sort of a long story - basically I wanted us to go out as a family to cut down a tree, and I wanted a cedar tree, but I came home one afternoon and my dad had gotten a tree all ready. A really small Bull Pine, which I have never really liked. Somehow, his nice gesture of getting the tree early, so we could have it up for a while and decorate it and everything, just pissed me off. It pissed me off that he knew I wanted to go out to get it with him, yet he didn't include me. It pissed me off that he got a damn Bull Pine, which I've usually always tried to avoid, so he should know I don't particularly like them.... OK, yes, it pissed me off a little, but mostly it hurt my feelings and made me sad.

The whole tree debockle sort of made my holiday mood take a turn for the worst. The tree sat there for a week and a half before my mom finally decorated it because I wouldn't do it.

I did make all my Christmas cookies today, though. I love to bake, so that put me into a good mood, but for some reason whenever my parents come in and want to start eating them all it drives me nuts. I wish they could just let me do what I need to do. There are always leftovers; I just never know how much leftovers there are going to be of each kind of cookie, and I want to for sure have enough for all my cookie plates... i wish they could just calm the fuck down and wait for me to make the plates, and then eat what is left over.

I hate how easy I get into a bad mood. And it is not even something I can blame on the chemo. I have always been like this. I know it drove Kevin insane, and I know it must drive everyone else around me insane, too. I get such bad mood swings. I will be peachy-keen one second and then something will happen that for some reason upsets me and then bam, I am in a crappy mood that just brings down most everyone around me, too. I hate that about myself! I really wish I could work on it and change that about myself, but It just doesn't seem possible. I try, but then someone does something stupid and I just can't keep my mouth shut, and I wind up getting in a bad mood trying to explain to them why they should have done something different - or in a more efficient way, or something. I don't really even know how to explain it, I guess. I just know that I am moody and easily pissy, and it is something I need to work on.

I am ready to be out of Sitka, that is for sure! I am ready to not be living at my parents house - not that it is really that bad of a situation, but going from having my own place to living at home again, totally sucks. I don't like having to explain where I am going and what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with. I don't like feeling guilty when I come home late at night and wake my dad up because he is sleeping on the living room floor. I don't like always wondering what they must think of me when I don't come home or when I come home at like 3 in the morning. I'm an adult and I just should be living at home. I should be able to live my own life and not have to answer to them about such things. It is really nice to not have to be paying rent, though. And it is nice to have them as my support group for my chemo, but I'm so done with it. The chemo is totally handle-able, as of now, so I think I could deal with living on my own while finishing treatment.... maybe I should just go live down in Seattle for the second semester? WHO KNOWS... i would miss my job, parts of it... although I would probably lose the weight I have gained because I wouldn't be around baked goods all the damn time... I have absolutely NO willpower - it is pathetic!

That is another reason I feel like shit, I guess... my self esteem is going down-hill fast. I am gaining weight, I'm too tiered to run as far as I could even a month ago...my stomach is gross where I give myself my injections (just red and sort of dried out)... There is just a lot to feel shitty about, and that never goes over very well for me, because feeling shitty equals eating more, which just makes me feel even shittier - a VERY VICIOUS CYCLE!!!!

I'm done bitching for now, I guess... thanks for listening.

I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party tonight. It was really fun!

Two down, four to go

Well, yesterday I took shot number 9, which marked the 8th week of my treatment. Two months down, only four months to go! HAHA, ya right - only. Four months seems like an eon away to me. Ya, these last two months did seem to go by insanely fast, but I have a feeling that the next four will go by at snail speed.

I'm really excited for mid December to mid January, though. I won't have classes to worry about, papers to write, tests to take - Thank goodness. I'm so sick of school. I don't want to be taking these classes. Well, actually, most of them are not too bad, it is just a matter of having to take the classes when I don't want to be taking them. I already have a degree. I shouldn't be in school anymore. It's not like I'm going for a Master's or a Doctorate - Hell No!

I turned in my Memoir last night. That was actually a fun class. I enjoyed writing. Well, I didn't really enjoy having to write, but I liked that I actually wrote! I find myself with writers block all the time, but memoir writing sort of forced me to write. I know a lot of what I wrote was total crap, but at least I was writing. My professor said that is what really matters. As long as you force yourself to just sit down and freewrite everyday, you know, get the creative juices flowing. Than eventually something good will just sort of come out!

I also really like my science of nutrition class, but I hate the time crunch. I would love to read the book and learn everything, but having to read everything and do all the assignments so quickly, just makes me hate it. I read everything really fast, so then I don't retain any of it. I love everything that I read, but it is so pointless because I'm not retaining any of it - i'm not actually learning anything, which sucks. I think I'll keep the book even after the class is over so I can go back and re-read the really interesting parts.

Ok - enough complaining about school. I better actually get to work. I have two more chapters to read in Nutrition before my test tomorrow.

-Coral

aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I think it would make me feel a lot better. I think it would just let me get rid of all this pent up nasty energy inside of me. It has been a frustrating couple of days. Yesterday it was all about work drama that I'm not even going to get into because it will probably just piss me off all over again. But today it has just been my family. My sister came into town with my little niece, which is great, but Harmony is just so frustrating. Just the way she goes about things and her philosophy about things. Like me and the rest of the siblings and my mom were all going to go to lunch tomorrow because Harm and the baby came into town and yesterday was Ptarmica's birthday, so it was just going to be a fun family thing to do. But NO... Harmony won't go because she doesn't trust that the cooks and waitresses didn't go to work sick REALLY - you are going to live your life not doing anything on the off chance that someone you might run into has a cold. That is just such crap. I was trying to organize something nice, but she just wasn't having any of it. Then there was the whole thing with the car situation. She won't ride in my mom's car because apparently it has an exhaust leak that just makes her feel like she is going to pass out when she rides in the car, so she had to be picked up in my car. Which was totally fine with me, until she was just herself and was snaughty on the phone and hung up on me.

What caused me to sit at my computer and try to hide the tears streaming down my cheek, though, was my dad snapping at me. My mom was talking about what time she needed to leave the house in the morning to pick up one of her co-workers on the way to the office. She needed to leave by 6:35 a.m., but then when my dad was responding to her he said 7:35 a.m. So, i just asked "7:35???" and he just yelled at me "oh, come on!" In a mean tone - my dad is good at those. I guess he just thought it was obvious that he was talking about 6:35, but my sister is in town, and I could so picture her getting confused with the different times being talked about, because unlike me, Harmony doesn't know that my mom has to be at work at 7. I could have seen Harmony getting up in the morning thinking she would be able to catch a ride with my mom at 7:35, but my mom would have already been gone. I shouldn't have letting my dad's tone bother me - that is just how he is. But for some reason added on top of yesterday's events and the crap from today, it just made me really upset. So, i was sitting at the living room table fighting back tears, trying to hide them from everyone in the living room. I think I succeeded in hiding them, no one said anything anyway. But, i guess that doesn't really mean anything.

Also, it is Tuesday, yet again. So as i'm typing on my computer, I'm staring at my shot sitting in front of me. It just taunts me. It just sits there knowing that it is time to be injected into my tummy - it is laughing at me. Ok, that is overboard. But, ya, I don't want to take the shot, but there it is sitting right in front of me, reminding me that it is time to just go ahead and do it!

I guess I'll just give in and take the damn shot. Then I'll just go fall asleep reading. I'll probably have a good little cry, too. I think it is just time to let all this pent up negative energy out... crying is always good for that, and It has been a little while since I've let myself give into that impulse.

So, here I go... shot, read, cry, bed.... great night off, right?

I hope this isn't what I think it is...

That panic that hits you all the sudden; you grab your stomach and clench every muscle in your body. You run to the bathroom and stand there wondering - do you lift the lid and kneel on the ground, or do you drop your pants and hunker down and grab the trashcan just in case it comes from both ends. Then there is the cold sweat that comes while you stand there - that sweat that always comes right before you vomit.

This morning, at 5am, i walked into work and began my usual task of turning on the espresso machines and cash registers. I unlock the safe to get the cashbox and till droors. I put up the sign for today's house coffee; then i brew the coffee. It is a normal routine, and then when I'm done, and I still have a couple minutes before I have to flip over the open sign, I pull out my Tupperware of cereal and have my breakfast while talking to morning baker.

This morning was just like every other morning I open Highliner. It all went as it should have. But come 6 a.m., I was trying to keep myself busy because I had only had two costumers - I was filling tea bags; very exciting. All the sudden, it hit me. I thought I was going to be sick. I was the only barista there, but I didn't care. I ran to the bathroom - It occurred to me that someone could pull up to the drive-thru at that same moment, but I doubt they would have wanted me to vomit on them.

I managed to pull it together while standing in the bathroom. I didn't vomit, although I probably would have felt better if I had. When I feel so sick that I'm going to be sick, I always feel 98% better when I actually vomit rather than stand there and talk myself down.

I walked back out behind the counter. Thankfully there was no irritated costumer waiting at the drive-thru window for their triple grande skinny nonfat mocha tan with a half shot Irish cream and a half shot sugar free vanilla.

I walked over to the window, opened it, and let my head hang there with the rain pelting the back of my neck. The cold air felt good; I just needed deep breaths of fresh air, or so i thought. After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I still didn't feel any better. I knew it was time to call in a replacement. I tried Kathy - voice mail. I tried Alex - voice mail. I tried Barb - she answered, but couldn't come in due to other commitments. I didn't want to, but I knew it was time to call Melissa, my boss. I called and left a message - who is up at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Surprisingly, she called me back 10 minutes later and told me that she would try to find a replacement, but that I could go ahead and just go home when Teal go in. I was so greatfull. Who wants to work - making food and drinks especially - when they feel like they are going to be sick. And who would want to receive food or drinks from someone who looks pale and clammy - like they are going to be sick?

I got home and went back to bed for a few hours. I don't know why I felt so sick. After thinking about it, I realized that last Saturday, I also felt like shit. I went through phases all day. I would feel sink, but then I would be just fine, then all the sudden I would feel sick again, then back to normal. It sucked because the last time it hit me, I was hanging out with Mike. That was the last time I got to see him because he took off back to Ketchikan after that.

Anyway. Two Saturdays in a row, I have felt like shit. Coincidence maybe - hopefully. I really don't want this to be a regular occurrence. I don't want this to be a side effect of my treatment. If it is a side effect, I totally don't get it. I take my shots on Tuesdays and I take pills twice a day. Why would Saturday be a day to get sick. It seems like Wednesday, Thursday maybe, would be the day to get sick. When my mom did the treatment, it was always the day after the shot that was the worst for her - why would it happen to me 4 days after I take my shot.

Oh, I just don't know what is going on with my body these days. I am so tired all the time. I am not as hyper and bouncy as I used to always be. I just want to be myself - the up-beat, smily, happy-go-lucky, not sick, me. I just want this treatment to be over.

Even if these past two Saturdays have nothing to do with this treatment, I'm probably still going to just always assume they do. The way my life is going right now, I'm just looking for the crappy side of everything, which is so unlike me, but I just can't seem to help it. I just want me back.

Moving On.....

Starting this treatment has been hard. I haven't had much to look forward to or to keep my spirits up, but throughout all this, one thing, one person actually, has been there for me. OK, multiple people have been there for me, asking how I'm doing, but this person has been here physically for me more than any other.

I met Mike this summer. He was fishing in PA. I met him briefly when I first got there, but then he took off to go King fishing with his dad. He came back a couple weeks later to charter fish again, only to lose his finger while out with his clients.

I remember that day so vividly. I was sitting on the bull rail on the dock peering into the water below wondering if I could dive all the way to the bottom and still be able to hold my breath long enough to look around. Kevin, one of the lodge helpers for the summer, dropped Ryan's special gaff overboard, and I offered to dive down at low tide to try and retrieve it - so Kevin could save a little face. That afternoon, though, low tide was not as low as I thought it was going to be, and It wasn't as warm as it had been, hence the just sitting there peering in the water.

Right as i decided to not go swimming that afternoon, Kevin came riding down the dock on his bike. He jumped off and said we had to get ready cause Mike cut his finger off and one of the clients was going to be docking the boat - luckily, there were hardly any other boats at the dock that day, so there was quite a landing strip.

I felt my first connection with Mike that day when he was getting on the medicav to Sitka. He was tough, he didn't even really want to go to Sitka, he just wanted to get his clients back out fishing. He got on the plane alone; his boss should have gone with him just so he would have someone on the plane with him in case anything happened, but last minute, his boss decided that Mike really didn't need anyone with him - fucker. I was a millisecond too late in my decision to get on that plane with him. I just felt like someone needed to be there in case something happened - he could have passed out, or went into shock; who knows!

Mike got back to PA two days later with a bandaged finger eager to get out fishing, and by golly - he caught a 60 lb King as a reward for all his troubles. After he got back, was when Mike and I really started hanging out. We were pretty much the only two people over the age of 15 and under the age of 35 in town. We talked, watched movies, just got to know each other - it was nice.

After he left again for a couple weeks, I got his phone number from Molly - I felt like a total stalker. I called, and he was happy I did, which made me happy. When he got back, we got even closer. We talked about Kevin, my ex, and Lisa, his ex - we could relate!

That summer, he was the first person in Alaska I told about my treatment (besides family). It felt good. Granted, I didn't really tell him much, but I still put it out there - he knew something was going on.

When he left for the summer, I was genuinely sad. I didn't want him to leave. He left so suddenly, too, which I've noticed is a trend with him. He calls it "living 30 seconds at a time," which is actually one of the things I really like about him. He doesn't really plan anything - he just sort of flies by the seat of his pants.

When I got to Sitka, we text and kept in contact, but then I went on my trip. But, when I got back, I had a voice message from him. He knew that I must be almost back in cell-phone territory, so he thought he'd give me a try! It was great to have someone want to hear my voice so much that on a whim they just decided to call to see if I happened to have just landed back in the States.

When Mike came to Sitka for Alaska Day, I got to see him for the first time in a month and a half! I couldn't believe how happy it made me. I couldn't stop smiling, but I also knew he was leaving again soon, so it was hard. That weekend, Mike went back to Ketchikan, but then his father was lost at sea! Can you believe how much shit this man has been through - I know I can't. So, back to Sitka he came, which made me happy, but the circumstances were horrible.

I was glad to be here to give Mike something to smile about; that is what he told me anyway that seeing me made him smile. I would have like to have been more help to him, but at least he let me be there for him as much as he did. You know boys - they don't like people to see them when they are down.

Mike left yesterday; he went back to Ketchikan to be with his family and to go back to work, which is understandable. In times like this family is essential and money is a necessity, but I miss him.

It is weird for me to feel like this - so attached to someone so quickly.

I don't know why I felt the need to talk about this; I guess I just realized this is one of the reasons I have been depressed like I mentioned in the previous blog. I'm sad because I miss Mike, sure, but I'm depressed because I realized I haven't been talking about Mike in this way because I wanted to keep it from Kevin. I didn't want to hurt him, but if keeping it bottled up is weirding me out like this, than it is not worth it. So, now, I'm putting it out there. I have a new person in my life that makes me smile. That also weirds me out too, though. I didn't think I was ready to meet someone new that would make me feel this way. It is too fast. But, you know, life happens. Things present themselves and you just have to grasp at them or they will pass you by. Well, I grasped at Mike, and It was one of the best things I did in a while.

I told Kevin that I needed time to focus on me and just be myself, but I also told him I wasn't going to keep my eyes closed to the world/ and men around me. Mike is so utterly different than Kevin. That is probably one of the things that attracts me most to him. He is tall and built; leaving me no reason to be self conscious around him. I'm not afraid to let him pick me up, I don't compare my size to his every time we next to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am still a very self conscious person, but Mike has taken it upon himself to try and rid me of that - he noticed it and has gone out of his way to make me feel better about myself - I'd be willing to bet that if I spend much more time with him; my self consciousness will be pretty much gone, which would be GREAT.

Mike and I talked once about us earlier this summer. We both said we did not want anything serious because we both just got out of something serious, but I think he and I have the possibility of growing into something more serious. Right now we live in different towns and don't get to see a lot of each other, so we are just sort of going with the flow and seeing what happens, but who knows, maybe if we ever end up living in the same town, we could really try and be something - I think we could be good, but we're just going to have to see what happens.

It's starting to hit me....

I'm sitting at the table at my parents house just staring at a rose. My dad bought it for my mom a couple days ago because it was their anniversary. It makes me sad looking at this rose. It makes me realize that I don't have anyone to buy me a rose; It makes me realize that I won't have anyone to buy me roses for quite some time. I'm alone - truly alone. I'm in Sitka with no best friend and no boy friend. I have friends, but none that I'm ever super excited to go hang out with. Mainly, I just hang out with my brothers and sisters. We get along so well, which is great, but sometimes I just get lonely - like right now, well, like the last few days really.

I've been so tiered lately; I've had pretty much no energy - except to force myself to go for a run because I am doing a 10K race tomorrow, but as soon as I'm done, it has been the couch and TV or reading for me. I haven't even had any motivation to do homework - usually I can at least muster up a little bit.

I had more blood tests done on Tuesday - I found out that my immune system is getting lower (but is not yet in the dangerous level) and that I am anemic. I have to go get more tests next Tuesday to make sure that my iron isn't continuing to drop; if it is, than i'll have to get another shot everyweek to bring up my iron levels (it can't be done through diet or supplements because it is Chemo-induced!!!)

After talking to my doctor, she said the reason I'm finding myself more tired and with less energy is because of the anemia, which sucks. I really wanted this treatment to not have much of an effect on me.

My race is tomorrow. I'm so excited, but also nervous as hell. I know I can run the distance, but I don't want to be the last person to the finish line. I'm so glad that Josh mentioned this race to me, though. It has given me something the look forward to, something to keep me going this past month. After the race is over, though, I'm afraid that I will fall into depression. I won't have anything to look forward to or to keep me occupied. It will just be work and school and treatment, which sucks.

As you can tell by this whole post, I'm sort of falling into a depression-esc state already. Just the idea of spending the winter in Sitka depresses me and makes me sad - I don't want to be here. It is dark all the time. It is dark when I go to work and gets dark about an hour and a half after I get off. It sucks. Sarah isn't here, which sucks. There isn't anything to do except for party and I don't do that. Now that it is winter, bon fires will be scarce, that sucks.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. On the bright side, my race is tomorrow and I'm excited for it. On the bright side, I get to be home for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years, except I'm really sad I won't be with Jessica and her family because after four years that just felt so right. I'm excited for classes to be over next month.... but it sucks that I even have to be in these classes in the first place!

Ok, i'm going to stop with the complaining. I love you all, wish me luck on the race!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

If only life could be painless and constantly happy....

This last week has been hard.

One week ago today, I found out that the father of a VERY close friend was missing. His boat was found on the rocks and he was missing. Already this year, my friend lost his girlfriend of five years (as in broke up), and had his finger chopped off - so, all in all, not a good year. To lose his father on top of it, is pretty much the icing on the cake. I have been trying to be there for him and support him and just make him smile, because in times like these, everyone just needs to try and keep their chin up and keep their sense of humor, but for someone that has just had so much crap happen, it is hard to see the light. I just don't know what else I can do except listen when he is ready to talk and just try to be there when he needs me.

Then, on top of all this, Kevin has been doing some hardcore texting and e-mailing this week. It is so hard on me. I'm trying to get over him and move on and just focus on dealing with where my life is right now - treatment, school, sitka... When I get a bunch of accusatory texts where i have to explain myself for the millionth time answer the same question AGAIN, it gets frustrating. He is so bipolar, too. I go from getting called a "special person" - who has mastered the art of being nice and caring on the outside but is actually a cold, "heartless bitch" on the inside, to having him tell me that he can't live with out me and he is still there for me and still wants me back. I can't deal with all of this right now. It is too hard on me. I want to keep him in my life and keep contact with him, but when it is like this, sometime I feel like severing all ties would be easiest for me and for him - me being so understanding and answering all his texts and e-mails and trying to be nice and what not, is probably just sort of leading him on. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped. I know he won't think so, but he isn't really thinking about what will actually be best for him, he is just thinking of what he thinks will be best for him.

I am sick of being called mean names and hearing that all my friends hate me or think horribly about me. I am tiered of hearing about how much he loves me and misses me. I certainly am tiered of hearing him say he wants to come surprise me in Sitka - definitely the worst thing he could possibly do. I am tiered about worrying about everyone I know who fishes by themselves. It is so hard after you lose someone you know. It just makes you worry so much more about everyone else you know who is out there fishing by themselves. It is tiresome and hard worrying about that all the time. I am already tiered all the time because of my work schedule and my treatment, so now I'm just completely exhausted all the time.

To everyone who knows me - i hope you love me for who I am and how you know me, and don't let things you hear about me sway your judgement of me. Everyone does things that they are not particularly proud of, but if you are a true friend, you will be able to stand by me and accept me for who I am. I know plenty of people who have done some fucked up things in their lives, but I don't judge. I love everyone of my friends and miss them all so dearly at this point in my life. I hope that I haven't lost any close friend because of things that they have heard about me. If there is anything that you have heard and wonder if it is true or not, or want to know "what the fuck i was thinking" at the time - please just talk to me. I have no problem explaining everything and trying to convey what I may or may not have been thinking at the time.

I love you all and miss you all.

If you are a praying type of person, or if you are not, please keep all the people who put their lives on the line fishing everyday in your thoughts - everything helps!!!

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Life Just Keeps on Rolling...

Well, It has been two weeks since my last confession; haha. Hey, I still have a sense of humor, so that is good

To back it up a bit, I started my treatment two weeks ago. My first shot was difficult, scary, annoying, painful and many more such adjectives. I have my English class on Tuesday's from 6-8 p.m., and on that particular Tuesday, Sunni and I had made a plan to watch Ariel the Beginning. So, I took my shot out of the fridge and went to class, then drove to Sunni's after class was over.

Once at Sunni's, I pulled out my shot and started reading the instructions - fun right. Ya, you can't just go right into it and stab yourself, you have to read-up on it first. As much as I am usually not a person to read instructions, I realized that when you are nervous, step-by-step instructions are very helpful.After reading through the instructions once, then preparing the shot as I read through the second time, I was ready to inject myself. I was holding the shot in my right hand with my thumb over the dosing button, but I couldn't do it. Sunni was right there to help me and put her hand over mine to assist me if needed, but as we moved the needle toward my belly, I went into a fit of hysteria. I was crying and speaking unintelligibly. Sunni was amazing and just did it for me while I looked the other way and tried not to cry so much because my whole body was shaking.

Sunni gave me the shot, and it didn't hurt at all - I knew it wouldn't, the needle wasn't that big. It was just the idea of it I guess. It scared the hell out of me - I didn't want to give myself a shot - i didn't want to be starting the treatment - I was scared of what the side effects were going to be - which turned into total lack of motor control and the need to have my beautiful sister give me a shot.

After the torchure was over, we put in our movie and fell asleep on her couches.

The next two days, I had horrible headaches, but I took IB's and just went on with my life. I am used to having headaches, so if those are the only side effects, I can totally deal with that.

The next week, I was able to give the shot to myself. It was scary, but I was determined - I needed to prove to myself that I could, and I did. I opened up the box and read the instructions again to prepare myslef, then went for it.

Stabbing your belly with a needle is a little odd - but the way the instructions have you pinch your skin and then insert the needle is a good little trick because the pinch actually hurts more than the needle puncture - so props to the people who wrote the instructions.

Today I had to go to the hospital and get some blood drawn so they could send it to my doctor down in Seattle. She needs to check and make sure I'm doing ok. When my mom took the treatment, she became chemo-induced anemic, so the doc needs to check for things like that - make sure I don't need iron shots or other such nonsense.

I take my third shot tonight after class - so that will be three down - 21 to go.

So far I have been good. I am able to work and take classes - and so far i am doing a good job balancing everything because I haven't been violently ill or unable to sleep. I'm hoping it stays like this for the duration of the treatment. I did hear, though, that after a couple months, the side effects can get worse because the meds are accumulating in your body - but hopefully that will not be the case for me, or if it is, hopefully the side effects will still be minimal.

And it Begins

Walking to the kitchen, I open the cupboard. I just stand there, staring.... I reach my left hand in and pull out the zip-lock back sitting next to the two red "sharps" containers. My hands won't stop shaking. After pulling out one of the small white bottles, i return the rest to the cupboard, back next to the red biohazard containers.
"Ok, I can do this - its just like any other pill you've ever taken. Just toss them and and chace them with wter - no big deal."

That is what I was telling myself, but for some reason my hands wern't working. After finally removing the cap from the pill bottle, I had to remove the seal. It was the aluminum foil-looking kind that you have to poke your finger through, but for some reason my fingers were not working and I could not puncture the little devil. "Deap breath, Coral."

I got the bottle open, nearly spilled half the contents, returned the bottle to the shelf and swallowed the two pills.

I DID IT. One down, 179 more times to go! I take my first shot tonight. I'm scared. If my hands shake as much as they did this morning, I could be in trouble :( We'll see how it goes.

European Adventure

The crumbling columns of the Parthenon, the quarky smile of Mona Lisa, the smelly donkeys in Santorini, the croissants eaten sitting on the edge of the Grand Canal.... my European adventure has come to an end, but the memories that I will carry with me for the rest of my life will always be there.

There is too much for me to talk about in one blog; really I should have been doing a weekly post, but I didn't have access to the Internet, so I'm going to give it my best to do a quick summary.

London was so fun. I hadn't been in 7 years, and I missed all my family so much. My cousin Gemma, turned 21, which in London means you are a true adult; being able to drink if you travel to the US is just an added bonus. For her birthday, we went to the dog races. The name of the place where you place your bets is called "Coral." I tried to get a free bet out of the deal because, obviously, my name is Coral, but unfortunately that was out of the question. But hey, it was worth a try!

Dog races are so exhilarating. The rabbit goes buy, the gates burst open, the only sound is the pounding of the 6 dog's legs on the dirt until seconds later the cheering starts. "6 and 3, 6 and 3, come on 6 and 3!!!" That person was doing a forecast reversal. You bet on dogs 6 and 3 and if 6 comes in first and 3 in second, or 3 in first and 6 in second, you win! I always just did a straight 1 pound bet on a single dog. I never won, though. I have terrible luck - just terrible. I should never go to Vegas with a plan to win big because that just wont happen for me.

Cruising is great. I recommend it to anyone. If you find a good deal on a cruise, like the one my mom and I found - it is so worth it. You don't need hotels or food or transportation; it is all done for you and included in the initial price. I gained 10 pounds on my vacation - I'm not exaggerating either - i weighed myself when i got back last night :( But that is what happens when you have access to buffets and 7 course meals in restaurants.
Every night on the cruise, my mom and i would go to our assigned table at 6:45 p.m. and sit with the 6 other people who were assigned to the same table. We would all get our Menus and just stare. Every night, so many options were available to chose from, and there were 7 courses!! Appetizer, soup, pasta, main course, salad, cheese and crackers and dessert.
Obviously people don't have to order something from each category, but when that option is available to you, than of course you have to try a little of everything; or at least I do!!!

My favorite stop on the cruise was Santorini. My mom and I paid the 5 euros to ride donkeys up the trail to a town. It took about 25 minutes. By the time we got off the boat, stood in line for the donkeys and road the donkeys, we only had about a 45 minutes to look around the town before we had to get in line for the cable car to take us back down to the tenders for the ship. My mom and I managed to do quite a bit of shopping in that 45 minutes, though. We are expert shoppers. We can spend hundreds of dollars in a few minutes - not that we did, but we could if we ever had that kind of money. We did do a lot of spending though. In the 45 minutes we had in Santorini, I spent close to 100 dollars. But I loved everything i picked out. I got a pair of mother of pearl earrings, a scrap book, a silly gift for a friend of mine, and a delicious pastry! That is another part of the eating - everywhere you go in Europe there are amazing deserts and pastries. Well, actually I wasn't impressed with the desserts on the cruise - they didn't have any flavor, but every time we got off the shop there was plenty to choose from. My mom got a gelato from every port :)

Paris was amazing. We arrived at 8 in the morning on the train and had to make our way to the bus station with all of our bags. I had the same two bags i went on the cruise with; they were just a little more full, but my mom had to buy an extra one! Navigating the Metro in Paris with our arms full of luggage was an ambitious task, but we made it with no problems. Nobody tried to mug us, we didn't miss any trains or get on the wrong one - Besides being pretty worn out by the time we got to the bus station, it was a great journey. When we got to the bus station, though, the bus we wanted was full, so we had to find a hotel and take the bus the next morning. We were going to take the overnight bus, but after sleeping on a train and walking around Paris all day, my mom was actually really happy that we had beds to go to.

After finding a hotel and storing our luggage, we took the Metro to the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa. It was obviously crowded, but I got to get my look at it, and a picture of it. I didn't think pictures would be allowed, but they were. The Mona Lisa is small, covered in Plexiglas, and barricaded so people can't get closer to it than about 6+ feet, but it was still worth the visit. Now I have seen the famous painting. I asked my mom when we were walking through the Louvre on our way to the painting, "I wonder what Da Vinci would think about this painting getting so famous." I mean, when he painted it, he couldn't have expected it to be his most famous painting - i just wonder what he would think about it.

After the Louvre we walked to Notre Dame. My mom LOVED the gargoyles! Then we walked to the Eiffel Tower, where i collapsed on the grass and just laid there staring up at it for a good 5 minutes. So much walking tuckered me out. When I finally got up, we went and stood in line for 45 minutes to go up the tower. I was happy just seeing it - I'm an impatient person and don't like waiting in lines, but my mom was determined to go up it, so i went with her. When my mom was 12 or 13, her mom took her and her brother and sister to Paris. Her brother and sister were able to go up the tower, but for some reason my Nana wouldn't let my mom go - she was too young I guess, so because of that, my mom NEEDED to go up this time - understandable.

After the Eiffel tower, my mom and I were going to walk to the Arc de Triomphe and then walk down the Champs-Elysees (Chan-de-la-zan), but we were just to tiered to do it, so we just made our way back to our hotel and collapsed on our beds.

It is was sad that our European adventure had to come to an end. I could see myself living in London - I love it there. I have considered maybe trying to get a job and move there some day - We'll see what happens.

We spent the weekend in New York City before arriving back in Sitka - it was great. The Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Time Square, Central Park. It was all so crowded and loud, but I loved it. I got up in the mornings and went running through Central Park - I felt like a native. I can see myself living in New York City, too. I used to always say I wanted to write for the New York Times, and people told me I would never want to live in NYC, but they were wrong. Now I've been there, and it just makes me want to live there more. Who knows, maybe after a couple months of living there, I would be sick of it and ready to go back to the good-old Pacific Northwest, but for now my dream will be the Times and NYC.

Now that I'm back in Sitka, I will be starting my treatment. Tomorrow to be exact. After my English class tomorrow, I will be taking my first shot! I'm scared, but I'll be OK. I guess i don't want to think about that - in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

update

Hello all.

It has been a long time; I'm sorry. I have yet to start my treatment; I'm still on my vacation. I'm sitting in London listening to my family talk about the arrangements for my cousin's birthday. I'm so glad that I get to be here for it. She is turning 21, which in England isn't as much of a milestone as it is in the states, but it is a big deal because it is their last year of Uni and it sort of seems to mark their true adulthood or something - but in England you can drink at 16, so it isn't as much of a party-fest. Everyone is making a HUGE deal out of Gemma's birthday; it is so fun. I won't be here for the big party on Saturday, which sucks, but tomorrow is her actual birthday. We are going to go to dog races; it is going to be soooo fun. The booky that you place your bets with is called "CORAL," so I'm SOOO going to place a bet!

As my trip is coming to an end, I find myself getting very nervous. On the coach ride from Paris back to London yesterday, I was drilling my mom - asking her all sorts of questions about when she did her treatment a couple years ago. I want to prepare myself for what it is going to be like. I am trying to figure out what day of the week I should take my shot. My mom said she would take her shot Monday night and then Tuesday and Wednesday would be the worst day, sickness wise, and then Thursday and Friday would be a little better. She said the weekend would usually be alright and Monday would be pretty much 100%. So... I have class Tuesday night, so I think I am going to take my shots on Tuesday nights, so that I am good for class, and will be alright for Saturday, probably. I would like to be able to hang out with people on the weekend, at least some of it anyway. I also have to take pills everyday, which will also make me feel crummy - flu like- so ya, all my planning may be pointless. Who knows how all these meds will effect me. That is why I'm nervous. I wish I could see into the future and see how this all works out - if the treatment works and how it effects me... that would be ideal, hears to dreamin'!!!

Right now I'm just going to try and be happy for the last few days of my vacation. I will be in New York City this weekend... I'm going to watch Wicked; I can't wait! I'm just going to block out next Tuesday from my mind until it gets here. There is no need to worry while I'm having such a good time - I just need to be happy and have fun while I'm here with everyone and having such a good time.

The Countdown Begins

This morning, I was in the shower and heard a knock at the door. I knew who it was, so I didn't go running in a towel - I knew the UPS guy would just leave the packages on the porch and keep going on his route.

When I was done getting dressed I walked out into the living room and stared at the door for a couple minutes. Finally, I opened it and grabbed the two packages. Part of me wanted me to be wrong in my thinking that it was the UPS guy at the door - I didn't want to have to deal with these particular packages, but I knew that's who it was.

What was in the packages you might ask. Well, it was the first batch of my meds for chemo. I opened the big box first and opened the Styrofoam cooler inside it. I pulled out the two red biohazard "sharps" containers that they conveniently sent along with my 12 individually packaged shots that I will have to self administer every week. After I put the shots into the fridge, I sat on the kitchen floor staring. I wasn't staring at anything in particular; I was just staring into space. It had finally hit me. I am going to have to do this. It has been slowly registering to me all summer, but having the meds actually arrive at my door sort of hit me like a monster truck at 70 miles an hour. I don't want to have to do this treatment. It scares the hell out of me. So, having the shots and pills actually show up - it just put me in my place I guess. It made me realize that I really am going to have to do it; that there is no way out of it.

No person in their right mind would look forward to starting this sort of treatment. Who wants to take a shot every week and pills everyday that are going to make them sick all of the time? Not me, that's for sure. I think one of the things that scares me the most is not knowing exactly how these meds are going to effect me. Yes, I saw my mom go through this same treatment, so I know what it can be like. But, I hope to God that the meds don't effect me the same way. I am hoping that because I am younger, healthier and in better shape that the side effects will be a lot less extreme. I don't want to be vomiting all the time and unable to sleep. I don't want to basically have the flu for 6 months. That is what the pamphlets say - that the meds give you flu-like symptoms. Who wants to have the flu for six months?

Yes, doing this treatment is better than the alternative, I guess. If I don't do the treatment there is a possibility that my liver could fail me someday - at one point I was almost willing to take that chance, but then it occurred to me that if I didn't get it treated before I want to have kids, there is a possibility I could pass it on to them - and who would want that. I know my mom probably feels horrible for passing it onto me; I try to make her not feel bad about it, but there is really nothing I can say.

A couple days ago, one of my really good friends lost her father. His liver started to fail and within a week he was dead. That sort of put me in my place, too. Yes, he was an alcoholic, so his liver was pretty bad to start, but still just knowing someone who died from liver failure sort of freaked me out. I don't want to ever have to go through that, so I am going to do this 6-month treatment and pray to God that it works, that I will be free of this Hepatitis C and that I will never have to worry or think about it again.

The Fear

I will be starting Chemo for Hep C on October 5th; the day after I get back from my trip to Europe. What a great welcome home present, right? This blog will be a way for me to keep everyone updated with how the chemo goes and how I'm feeling. I have been told depression often occurs doing the treatment, and I find happiness in writing, so this will be the perfect outlet.