I hope this isn't what I think it is...

That panic that hits you all the sudden; you grab your stomach and clench every muscle in your body. You run to the bathroom and stand there wondering - do you lift the lid and kneel on the ground, or do you drop your pants and hunker down and grab the trashcan just in case it comes from both ends. Then there is the cold sweat that comes while you stand there - that sweat that always comes right before you vomit.

This morning, at 5am, i walked into work and began my usual task of turning on the espresso machines and cash registers. I unlock the safe to get the cashbox and till droors. I put up the sign for today's house coffee; then i brew the coffee. It is a normal routine, and then when I'm done, and I still have a couple minutes before I have to flip over the open sign, I pull out my Tupperware of cereal and have my breakfast while talking to morning baker.

This morning was just like every other morning I open Highliner. It all went as it should have. But come 6 a.m., I was trying to keep myself busy because I had only had two costumers - I was filling tea bags; very exciting. All the sudden, it hit me. I thought I was going to be sick. I was the only barista there, but I didn't care. I ran to the bathroom - It occurred to me that someone could pull up to the drive-thru at that same moment, but I doubt they would have wanted me to vomit on them.

I managed to pull it together while standing in the bathroom. I didn't vomit, although I probably would have felt better if I had. When I feel so sick that I'm going to be sick, I always feel 98% better when I actually vomit rather than stand there and talk myself down.

I walked back out behind the counter. Thankfully there was no irritated costumer waiting at the drive-thru window for their triple grande skinny nonfat mocha tan with a half shot Irish cream and a half shot sugar free vanilla.

I walked over to the window, opened it, and let my head hang there with the rain pelting the back of my neck. The cold air felt good; I just needed deep breaths of fresh air, or so i thought. After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I still didn't feel any better. I knew it was time to call in a replacement. I tried Kathy - voice mail. I tried Alex - voice mail. I tried Barb - she answered, but couldn't come in due to other commitments. I didn't want to, but I knew it was time to call Melissa, my boss. I called and left a message - who is up at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Surprisingly, she called me back 10 minutes later and told me that she would try to find a replacement, but that I could go ahead and just go home when Teal go in. I was so greatfull. Who wants to work - making food and drinks especially - when they feel like they are going to be sick. And who would want to receive food or drinks from someone who looks pale and clammy - like they are going to be sick?

I got home and went back to bed for a few hours. I don't know why I felt so sick. After thinking about it, I realized that last Saturday, I also felt like shit. I went through phases all day. I would feel sink, but then I would be just fine, then all the sudden I would feel sick again, then back to normal. It sucked because the last time it hit me, I was hanging out with Mike. That was the last time I got to see him because he took off back to Ketchikan after that.

Anyway. Two Saturdays in a row, I have felt like shit. Coincidence maybe - hopefully. I really don't want this to be a regular occurrence. I don't want this to be a side effect of my treatment. If it is a side effect, I totally don't get it. I take my shots on Tuesdays and I take pills twice a day. Why would Saturday be a day to get sick. It seems like Wednesday, Thursday maybe, would be the day to get sick. When my mom did the treatment, it was always the day after the shot that was the worst for her - why would it happen to me 4 days after I take my shot.

Oh, I just don't know what is going on with my body these days. I am so tired all the time. I am not as hyper and bouncy as I used to always be. I just want to be myself - the up-beat, smily, happy-go-lucky, not sick, me. I just want this treatment to be over.

Even if these past two Saturdays have nothing to do with this treatment, I'm probably still going to just always assume they do. The way my life is going right now, I'm just looking for the crappy side of everything, which is so unlike me, but I just can't seem to help it. I just want me back.