Its that time.....

Today is Sunday March 14, 2010. In two days, I take my last shot for my Hep. C treatment. I can not believe that it has been 6 months already - It pretty much just screamed by! The last two months have been challenging, but I've pushed through them and have made it to the end. I guess I shouldn't speak too soon, really, because I have another week and a half left, but I have faith that these last few days won't bring too much trouble.

I'm down in Seattle right now, so I haven't been getting up for work at 4:30 in the morning, which is a lot of the reason that the treatment was making me a little extra tiered I think. Being down here, I have been staying up a whole lot later, but I get to sleep in, so it sort of balances out, I suppose.

I have my end of treatment doctor appointment on the 23rd. I have been trying to think of questions for my doctor. I want to make sure that everything is how it should be and that my body is going to bounce back from this treatment with no malfunctions. I don't want to end up with the problems my mom has been facing - hypothyroidism - that would pretty much just be the end of me. If I got that, I think I would almost rather shoot myself than have to live with it for the rest of my life. I already have trouble controlling my eating habits and forcing myself to stop eating even though I could easily continue eating for pretty much EVER. So, if I ended up with a hypothyroid after all this, I would blow up like and balloon and no amount of exercise would really do me that much good.

Speaking of exercise, I am so excited for this treatment to be over so I can get back into running. I have continued running during these 2 months that have been really difficult, but I have only been able to run MAYBE 2 miles. I am back up to 3ish now, but still, that is nowhere near the 7 miles that I could run back in October!!! The end of this treatment for me, marks the start of whipping my but back into shape. Hopefully it will be easier than it was before. I'm hoping that because I forced myself to keep exercising even when I was super tiered and only went for a walk or something, I'm hoping that it will be easier to get back into my running routine. Yes, it will take me a while to get back up to 7 miles, but I hope it is nowhere near the friggen year and a half that it took me before.

I feel like I should have learned a lot about myself during this treatment, but I don't think that is the case. I learned that it sucks to have to get a bunch of shots and get blood drawn all the time. I learned the I have really easy veins for blood drawers to find. I learned that I'm only human and that I need to let my body rest when it needs to - I can't just go go go all the time like I always thought I could. I guess that one is pretty important. Realizing that about myself humbles me, I guess. It made me realize that I am not invincible.; I can not control everything. I can do my best to control things and not let things bring me down or stress me out, but there is a point at which every person finds their limits. I think I'm lucky that when I found mine, I woke up after hitting the floor. I'm sure some people will not be that lucky. I'm not just talking about people facing chemo or fighting off some kind of illness, either. I mean everyone. Everyone has their limits and it is a slap in the face when you reach that point, but I hope people will reach it - recover from it - and learn from it.

One month to go... can you believe it?

It has been 5 months. Five months of shots, restlessness, tiredness, exhaustion, headaches, body aches, pills, hospitals... etc. Basically 5 months of miserableness! So, only one month to go, now. Although it is getting worse, so this last month may is going to be more difficult than the rest. A few weeks ago, I became too anemic. My body is not producing enough red blood cells - hence the tiered, exhaustion, headaches. So, now once a week I have to go to the hospital and get another shot to make my body produce more red blood cells. The shot hurts like hell when it is injected into my arm!! It is always a process when it comes to getting that shot. I have to go to the hospital, let them draw blood, wait there until they have the results of my hemoglobin, if it is under 10, I have to have them fax it to the Doctor and then wait for him to call me and let me know that he called in my prescription to the pharmacy. Then I have to go to the pharmacy and pick it up, then go to the clinic and wait for a nurse to administer the shot. Like I said, it is a long process - and the shot really hurts, to it makes it 10 times worse. I have gotten used to being poked by shots the last 5 months. Getting so much blood work done and having to give myself shots sort of toughened me up. But, even after all that toughening, this new shot still hurts like hell, which means it really hurts like hell.
When my mom was doing the treatment, she had to get these shots, too. She said they made her cry. Thankfully they don't effect me quite as much, but they are still very painful.

So - four shots to go! I can't believe I'm down to 4 shots left! Three of them, I will be administering when I am Washington in March. I will be completely done with my treatment on March 23rd!!!! I get back to Sitka on March 24th and then my whole family and I will be going out to the fanciest restaurant in town to celebrate!!! I can't wait - my dad even said he would go!!!!! Then we will go to the P-bar afterward and get a drink. I think after 6 months of not being able to drink anything I deserve a little fun. Not that I'm really a drinker to begin with, but it is fun to have that option and for the last 6 months, I have to had that option.

Well, I have class in 20 minutes, so I have to jet, I just wanted to update everyone with where I am at!!!

XOXOXO

But it is Hard....

When the lipstick goes on - that's when all us women feel different - beautiful. As we hide behind the wondrous shades of Strawberry Suede, Fabulous Fig, and Cocoa Craving, sometimes we get lost in the moment. We let ourselves pretend we are that girl walking down the runway in the hot new Revlon lipstick shade, instead of being the plain, ordinary women that we are. But what is wrong with living for a moment? If putting on a new shade of lipstick allows us to step out of our life if only for a minute, we should grasp at that moment. Shouldn't we?

At this time in my life, my life is not what I want it to be - not even close. But, by putting on some lipstick and maybe a new shirt, I am able to feel good about myself. Part of me wants to just go out and buy every shade of lipstick that they have down at our Harry Race - the only store in Sitka with make up - so that I can just constantly put on another shade - so that I can always feel like that women on the runway - so that I can forget about what I am going through at this time in my life and feel like a truly beautiful women.

But, alas, after sampling a new shade of lipstick, I don't buy it. I think to myself "why should I even bother?" I put the lipstick back on the shelf, steal a glance in the mirror and grimace, and then walk out of the store with my shoulders slumped and the hood of my sweatshirt back on. I really wish I could pull myself out of this slump. I wish I could hold my head up high and proudly purchase that rose lipstick I liked so much.

I have a little more than a month and a half of my treatment left. I was warned about the effects of the treatment and I tried for months to ignore them. It was a reality check when I went to the emergency room, and since then, I have been trying to force myself to realize my situation. Ignoring my treatment and the effects it has on me was obviously not the way to deal with things. But now that I am facing the facts and trying to handle my situation, I find myself unable to cope.

I'm not very good with the whole "unable to cope" thing. I'm not the type of person that doesn't cope. I deal with things as they come - I face forward - I hit the ground running. But now I can't. I feel like I'm losing my identity - I'm losing who I am. Who is the person I'm becoming? Who is this girl that sits around all the time doing nothing because she can't even muster up the energy to get off the couch. Who is this girl that goes around needing guys to see her in order to feel good about herself. Who is this girl that can't even run 2 miles anymore. I hate who I'm becoming; I hate that this treatment is effecting me so much...the list could go on, but most of all, I hate that I am sitting here talking about all these things I hate. I was never that type of person before this treatment - I don't like the word hate... i didn't use it very often before, but I seem to be using it all the time, now.

Obviously, life is rough and I need to just friggin' deal with it - but it is hard.

Why does my life suck?

Not to sound so pathetic or anything, but really - that is how I feel. My life just seems to be running out of control and I really can't seem to get a hold of it. I am just so tiered all the time, which is not OK with me. I am usually such an up-beat person, like I've said before. Any of you who now me, know that about me. I'm smiley, easy to laugh; just an all-around happy person. Not that I have changed that much in the last 3.5 months. I still put on a really good front. I still smile and laugh and act as happy as I can, but sometimes I just can't put on that front anymore. Sometime I just have to stay away from people and wallow in self pity on the couch - never fun. I just wish that I could go down to Washington and hang out with all my friends and get the fuck out of Sitka, but now I can't! Now, I have to stay in Sitka until May. Now, I have to go to class every Thursday. Now, I HAVE to stay in Sitka. That is the main part. Before, I had the option to leave. I was planning on peacing out in February and spending the duration of my treatment traveling to see my grandparents in Florida, and then go to Hawaii for the first time EVER, then I was just going to hang out in Seattle and go to the "support your stepper" in Bellingham in March (I'm still gunna try to go to that!!! I just need to know when it is)... But, now I can't do any of that, and it pisses me off.

I'm gunna try and make a trip down to Washington for my spring break, but man, that is just not going to be long enough...

I hate that I'm scared.

Last week at this time I was lying in bed watching Heroes... perfect ending to a long day. I spaced out my shot and didn't take it until around 8:30 or 9 p.m., and then I went back to Heroes and then to sleep. The next morning was normal - As I've already talked about a couple blogs ago....I ended up in the Emergency Room.

Anyway, so this morning was the first morning that I opened since my incident and work was frighting. I kept standing there making a drink or poring some coffee wondering if I was going to find myself waking up on the floor with scorching hot coffee all over me. Well, today was fine. I didn't pass out, landing myself back in the hospital, thank goodness.

BUT, tomorrow is what really scares the hell out of me. I took my shot tonight, and I have to open tomorrow, which makes me nervous. What if it happens again. What if this reaction to my medication become more permanent? I don't want to have people wondering about my ability to do my job or to just be a normal-non-fainting-person. I'll keep you posted... I just hope it all it all goes OK for my sake and for my co-workers and customer's sakes...i don't want to frighten the hell out of any more coffee-seeking early-birds.

-coral

Keep on Keepin' on?

I don't know what to feel or how to feel it. I find my self sitting alone a lot. Just sitting and thinking. I don't ever really know what I'm thinking about either. I just stair off into space. Doing this all the time makes everything worse. When I realize that I have been wasting time sitting in nothingness, I start feeling sorry for myself. Why - I don't know.

I feel like I'm slipping into depression or something. I was warned that with this treatment came the possibility of depression, but I never thought much of it. I am a happy person, normally! I never thought I could be truly depressed. I know a lot of people who have issues with depression and I never could understand it very well. I always wondered what happened in their life that caused them to slip into it - what was that one thing that they just couldn't ignore - that they couldn't turn a blind eye to?

Now I'm beginning to relate, not that I'm happy about that. Its not like I want to be depressed. But, nothing I try makes it any better. I am good at putting on a front - making people think I'm peachy keen. I know this about myself, and some people know this about me, too. Although, even though they know that about me, they can never TRULY tell when I'm am fronting.

So, here I am. Living in a town that I don't really want to be in at this moment in my life. Here I am working at a job that just gives me something to do. Here I am going to school even though I don't want to be. Here I am being treated for a disease that I don't want to have and shouldn't have to deal with.

There it, the icing on the cake. The thing that is running my life. This treatment is taking its toll. I'm tired all the time. I can't sleep very well even when I do sleep. I am cold and hungry all the time. My energy level is hitting an all-time low. It is crap, and last week it landed me in the emergency room - what is that about? How did I let that happen? How did I let this treatment take over my life to the point of hospitalization? I should have been able to control it more than that.

Well, it stops right now. The treatment is not longer going to run my life - I'm going to run my life. I know that this means that I need to be a little more in-tune with my life. I need to pay attention to my body. I need to realize the signs my body gives me - when I need to take a nap, when I need to rest and drink fluids. If I can get it together to realize what my body tells me, than I can keep myself out of the damn hospital, but still enjoy my life. Maybe if I can pull this off, I can kick this self loathing / depression that I've found myself in the mist of.

And it all comes crashing down

Today was a new experience for me, and not really "new" in a good way. I've had to come to grips with the fact that I am not OK, that this treatment is taking a toll on me more than I have wanted to admit. I don't like admitting that I am weak, that I can't do everything I could do before. I have been pushing myself to lead a normal non-treatment life, and purposely not telling people about it so they won't look at me differently. I guess I need to come to terms with reality, though. I have to realize that I am not 100% by any means, today was the first day that it really hit me, and it hit me hard - I wound up in the emergency room.

Let me start from the beginning.

This morning, I woke up at 4:30 a.m., just like every other day I have to open Highliner. I went to work and everything was fine; although I felt hungrier than usual. Anyway, I got everything set up for work and was just chatting with Brandy, the baker, while I waited for customers.

Around 6 a.m. I decided to cook my oatmeal because my stomach just didn't seem right; i figured eating would help - it usually cures most things that are ever wrong with me - food is good! I took a couple bites of oatmeal, but then a customer pulled up to the drive-thru. I started fixing her double tall skinny latte but felt weird. I was dizzy and a little disoriented - definitely not OK. I went and grabbed the phone by the cash register at the window, dropped it, picked it back up and dialed my bosses number while walking back to the espresso machine. Melissa answered. I remember saying "Melissa, It's Coral down at the shop. I'm not feeling well, I think that you should call someone else." That's as much as I remember saying to her, and next thing I know my head is up against the espresso machine and I'm stairing at the phone, which was no longer connected - weird. I fumbled with the machine to swish around the latte milk steaming, and to pore the shots, and next thing I know I'm falling to the floor. I don't really remember hitting, but I was awake for the fall and got right back up. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew that I needed to finish the drink I was making and get this women out-a-here so I could hang my head out the window and get some fresh air.

I took the women her latte and began to ring her up. I was trying to push the appropriate buttons on the cash register to ring her up, but next thing I know, I'm being woken up to Brandy and Dee (the women with the latte) freaking out and saying to call 911. Brandy helped me sit up and asks if I want her to call 911, and of course I say "no, i think i'm fine." However, Melissa (my boss who i had already called), got weirded out that I hung up on her, so she went and looked at the TV moniters in her house, which stream there from the shop. She saw me pass out, and had already called 911! The fire station is right next door, so three EMTs ran over and beet the ambulance! I was pale as a ghost and my blood pressure and pulse were crazy high. They advised that I go to the hospital, but they were not forcing me to take the ambulance. I called my dad and he came to get me. Haha, so me... always thinking about saving money. Why pay for the ambulance when I can just get a ride?

My lab work came out fine in the emergency room, and my heart is just fine - not a heart attack. The doctor figures the same as what I had told the EMTs. I took my shot for treatment last night, and this was probably just some sort of reaction to it. Suggested treatment from the doc = rest up and drink lots of fluids - surprise surprise! This was only the second week of my new work schedule. I didn't use to open the morning after taking my shot. Last Wednesday I was super tiered all day. When I took my break at 9 a.m., I went to Sunni's office and put my head on the desk cause i just wanted to go to sleep. Anyone who knows me, knows that that is not me. When I am up, I am up. I don't take naps - I don't need naps... I'm just an all around energized smiley girl. Not last Wednesday. I got off work and went home and slept for a few hours!

So, this Wednesday, what was different? Why instead of being just super tiered, did I pass the fuck out and end up in the hospital with tubes, gowns, tongue depressors, thermometers, stethoscopes and urine samples? I don't know and the doctor couldn't tell me, but what I do know is that this treatment is getting more tricky. I can't keep things from people when I pass out in front of them. Now, I'm going to have to give some sort of explanation to my boss. Do i tell her about my illness, or do i just give her some half truth about adverse reactions to some medication that I'm taking and that everything will be fine. What ever I tell her, I should probably let her know that opening on Wednesdays probably isn't the best idea for me.

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm tiered and Its time to take a nap. It has been an eventful morning and its only 10 a.m.

OUCH... My elbow hurts... damn cement/tile floor must smacked it as I hit the deck :(