Keep on Keepin' on?

I don't know what to feel or how to feel it. I find my self sitting alone a lot. Just sitting and thinking. I don't ever really know what I'm thinking about either. I just stair off into space. Doing this all the time makes everything worse. When I realize that I have been wasting time sitting in nothingness, I start feeling sorry for myself. Why - I don't know.

I feel like I'm slipping into depression or something. I was warned that with this treatment came the possibility of depression, but I never thought much of it. I am a happy person, normally! I never thought I could be truly depressed. I know a lot of people who have issues with depression and I never could understand it very well. I always wondered what happened in their life that caused them to slip into it - what was that one thing that they just couldn't ignore - that they couldn't turn a blind eye to?

Now I'm beginning to relate, not that I'm happy about that. Its not like I want to be depressed. But, nothing I try makes it any better. I am good at putting on a front - making people think I'm peachy keen. I know this about myself, and some people know this about me, too. Although, even though they know that about me, they can never TRULY tell when I'm am fronting.

So, here I am. Living in a town that I don't really want to be in at this moment in my life. Here I am working at a job that just gives me something to do. Here I am going to school even though I don't want to be. Here I am being treated for a disease that I don't want to have and shouldn't have to deal with.

There it, the icing on the cake. The thing that is running my life. This treatment is taking its toll. I'm tired all the time. I can't sleep very well even when I do sleep. I am cold and hungry all the time. My energy level is hitting an all-time low. It is crap, and last week it landed me in the emergency room - what is that about? How did I let that happen? How did I let this treatment take over my life to the point of hospitalization? I should have been able to control it more than that.

Well, it stops right now. The treatment is not longer going to run my life - I'm going to run my life. I know that this means that I need to be a little more in-tune with my life. I need to pay attention to my body. I need to realize the signs my body gives me - when I need to take a nap, when I need to rest and drink fluids. If I can get it together to realize what my body tells me, than I can keep myself out of the damn hospital, but still enjoy my life. Maybe if I can pull this off, I can kick this self loathing / depression that I've found myself in the mist of.