I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I think it would make me feel a lot better. I think it would just let me get rid of all this pent up nasty energy inside of me. It has been a frustrating couple of days. Yesterday it was all about work drama that I'm not even going to get into because it will probably just piss me off all over again. But today it has just been my family. My sister came into town with my little niece, which is great, but Harmony is just so frustrating. Just the way she goes about things and her philosophy about things. Like me and the rest of the siblings and my mom were all going to go to lunch tomorrow because Harm and the baby came into town and yesterday was Ptarmica's birthday, so it was just going to be a fun family thing to do. But NO... Harmony won't go because she doesn't trust that the cooks and waitresses didn't go to work sick REALLY - you are going to live your life not doing anything on the off chance that someone you might run into has a cold. That is just such crap. I was trying to organize something nice, but she just wasn't having any of it. Then there was the whole thing with the car situation. She won't ride in my mom's car because apparently it has an exhaust leak that just makes her feel like she is going to pass out when she rides in the car, so she had to be picked up in my car. Which was totally fine with me, until she was just herself and was snaughty on the phone and hung up on me.
What caused me to sit at my computer and try to hide the tears streaming down my cheek, though, was my dad snapping at me. My mom was talking about what time she needed to leave the house in the morning to pick up one of her co-workers on the way to the office. She needed to leave by 6:35 a.m., but then when my dad was responding to her he said 7:35 a.m. So, i just asked "7:35???" and he just yelled at me "oh, come on!" In a mean tone - my dad is good at those. I guess he just thought it was obvious that he was talking about 6:35, but my sister is in town, and I could so picture her getting confused with the different times being talked about, because unlike me, Harmony doesn't know that my mom has to be at work at 7. I could have seen Harmony getting up in the morning thinking she would be able to catch a ride with my mom at 7:35, but my mom would have already been gone. I shouldn't have letting my dad's tone bother me - that is just how he is. But for some reason added on top of yesterday's events and the crap from today, it just made me really upset. So, i was sitting at the living room table fighting back tears, trying to hide them from everyone in the living room. I think I succeeded in hiding them, no one said anything anyway. But, i guess that doesn't really mean anything.
Also, it is Tuesday, yet again. So as i'm typing on my computer, I'm staring at my shot sitting in front of me. It just taunts me. It just sits there knowing that it is time to be injected into my tummy - it is laughing at me. Ok, that is overboard. But, ya, I don't want to take the shot, but there it is sitting right in front of me, reminding me that it is time to just go ahead and do it!
I guess I'll just give in and take the damn shot. Then I'll just go fall asleep reading. I'll probably have a good little cry, too. I think it is just time to let all this pent up negative energy out... crying is always good for that, and It has been a little while since I've let myself give into that impulse.
So, here I go... shot, read, cry, bed.... great night off, right?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I hope this isn't what I think it is...
That panic that hits you all the sudden; you grab your stomach and clench every muscle in your body. You run to the bathroom and stand there wondering - do you lift the lid and kneel on the ground, or do you drop your pants and hunker down and grab the trashcan just in case it comes from both ends. Then there is the cold sweat that comes while you stand there - that sweat that always comes right before you vomit.
This morning, at 5am, i walked into work and began my usual task of turning on the espresso machines and cash registers. I unlock the safe to get the cashbox and till droors. I put up the sign for today's house coffee; then i brew the coffee. It is a normal routine, and then when I'm done, and I still have a couple minutes before I have to flip over the open sign, I pull out my Tupperware of cereal and have my breakfast while talking to morning baker.
This morning was just like every other morning I open Highliner. It all went as it should have. But come 6 a.m., I was trying to keep myself busy because I had only had two costumers - I was filling tea bags; very exciting. All the sudden, it hit me. I thought I was going to be sick. I was the only barista there, but I didn't care. I ran to the bathroom - It occurred to me that someone could pull up to the drive-thru at that same moment, but I doubt they would have wanted me to vomit on them.
I managed to pull it together while standing in the bathroom. I didn't vomit, although I probably would have felt better if I had. When I feel so sick that I'm going to be sick, I always feel 98% better when I actually vomit rather than stand there and talk myself down.
I walked back out behind the counter. Thankfully there was no irritated costumer waiting at the drive-thru window for their triple grande skinny nonfat mocha tan with a half shot Irish cream and a half shot sugar free vanilla.
I walked over to the window, opened it, and let my head hang there with the rain pelting the back of my neck. The cold air felt good; I just needed deep breaths of fresh air, or so i thought. After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I still didn't feel any better. I knew it was time to call in a replacement. I tried Kathy - voice mail. I tried Alex - voice mail. I tried Barb - she answered, but couldn't come in due to other commitments. I didn't want to, but I knew it was time to call Melissa, my boss. I called and left a message - who is up at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Surprisingly, she called me back 10 minutes later and told me that she would try to find a replacement, but that I could go ahead and just go home when Teal go in. I was so greatfull. Who wants to work - making food and drinks especially - when they feel like they are going to be sick. And who would want to receive food or drinks from someone who looks pale and clammy - like they are going to be sick?
I got home and went back to bed for a few hours. I don't know why I felt so sick. After thinking about it, I realized that last Saturday, I also felt like shit. I went through phases all day. I would feel sink, but then I would be just fine, then all the sudden I would feel sick again, then back to normal. It sucked because the last time it hit me, I was hanging out with Mike. That was the last time I got to see him because he took off back to Ketchikan after that.
Anyway. Two Saturdays in a row, I have felt like shit. Coincidence maybe - hopefully. I really don't want this to be a regular occurrence. I don't want this to be a side effect of my treatment. If it is a side effect, I totally don't get it. I take my shots on Tuesdays and I take pills twice a day. Why would Saturday be a day to get sick. It seems like Wednesday, Thursday maybe, would be the day to get sick. When my mom did the treatment, it was always the day after the shot that was the worst for her - why would it happen to me 4 days after I take my shot.
Oh, I just don't know what is going on with my body these days. I am so tired all the time. I am not as hyper and bouncy as I used to always be. I just want to be myself - the up-beat, smily, happy-go-lucky, not sick, me. I just want this treatment to be over.
Even if these past two Saturdays have nothing to do with this treatment, I'm probably still going to just always assume they do. The way my life is going right now, I'm just looking for the crappy side of everything, which is so unlike me, but I just can't seem to help it. I just want me back.
This morning, at 5am, i walked into work and began my usual task of turning on the espresso machines and cash registers. I unlock the safe to get the cashbox and till droors. I put up the sign for today's house coffee; then i brew the coffee. It is a normal routine, and then when I'm done, and I still have a couple minutes before I have to flip over the open sign, I pull out my Tupperware of cereal and have my breakfast while talking to morning baker.
This morning was just like every other morning I open Highliner. It all went as it should have. But come 6 a.m., I was trying to keep myself busy because I had only had two costumers - I was filling tea bags; very exciting. All the sudden, it hit me. I thought I was going to be sick. I was the only barista there, but I didn't care. I ran to the bathroom - It occurred to me that someone could pull up to the drive-thru at that same moment, but I doubt they would have wanted me to vomit on them.
I managed to pull it together while standing in the bathroom. I didn't vomit, although I probably would have felt better if I had. When I feel so sick that I'm going to be sick, I always feel 98% better when I actually vomit rather than stand there and talk myself down.
I walked back out behind the counter. Thankfully there was no irritated costumer waiting at the drive-thru window for their triple grande skinny nonfat mocha tan with a half shot Irish cream and a half shot sugar free vanilla.
I walked over to the window, opened it, and let my head hang there with the rain pelting the back of my neck. The cold air felt good; I just needed deep breaths of fresh air, or so i thought. After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I still didn't feel any better. I knew it was time to call in a replacement. I tried Kathy - voice mail. I tried Alex - voice mail. I tried Barb - she answered, but couldn't come in due to other commitments. I didn't want to, but I knew it was time to call Melissa, my boss. I called and left a message - who is up at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Surprisingly, she called me back 10 minutes later and told me that she would try to find a replacement, but that I could go ahead and just go home when Teal go in. I was so greatfull. Who wants to work - making food and drinks especially - when they feel like they are going to be sick. And who would want to receive food or drinks from someone who looks pale and clammy - like they are going to be sick?
I got home and went back to bed for a few hours. I don't know why I felt so sick. After thinking about it, I realized that last Saturday, I also felt like shit. I went through phases all day. I would feel sink, but then I would be just fine, then all the sudden I would feel sick again, then back to normal. It sucked because the last time it hit me, I was hanging out with Mike. That was the last time I got to see him because he took off back to Ketchikan after that.
Anyway. Two Saturdays in a row, I have felt like shit. Coincidence maybe - hopefully. I really don't want this to be a regular occurrence. I don't want this to be a side effect of my treatment. If it is a side effect, I totally don't get it. I take my shots on Tuesdays and I take pills twice a day. Why would Saturday be a day to get sick. It seems like Wednesday, Thursday maybe, would be the day to get sick. When my mom did the treatment, it was always the day after the shot that was the worst for her - why would it happen to me 4 days after I take my shot.
Oh, I just don't know what is going on with my body these days. I am so tired all the time. I am not as hyper and bouncy as I used to always be. I just want to be myself - the up-beat, smily, happy-go-lucky, not sick, me. I just want this treatment to be over.
Even if these past two Saturdays have nothing to do with this treatment, I'm probably still going to just always assume they do. The way my life is going right now, I'm just looking for the crappy side of everything, which is so unlike me, but I just can't seem to help it. I just want me back.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Moving On.....
Starting this treatment has been hard. I haven't had much to look forward to or to keep my spirits up, but throughout all this, one thing, one person actually, has been there for me. OK, multiple people have been there for me, asking how I'm doing, but this person has been here physically for me more than any other.
I met Mike this summer. He was fishing in PA. I met him briefly when I first got there, but then he took off to go King fishing with his dad. He came back a couple weeks later to charter fish again, only to lose his finger while out with his clients.
I remember that day so vividly. I was sitting on the bull rail on the dock peering into the water below wondering if I could dive all the way to the bottom and still be able to hold my breath long enough to look around. Kevin, one of the lodge helpers for the summer, dropped Ryan's special gaff overboard, and I offered to dive down at low tide to try and retrieve it - so Kevin could save a little face. That afternoon, though, low tide was not as low as I thought it was going to be, and It wasn't as warm as it had been, hence the just sitting there peering in the water.
Right as i decided to not go swimming that afternoon, Kevin came riding down the dock on his bike. He jumped off and said we had to get ready cause Mike cut his finger off and one of the clients was going to be docking the boat - luckily, there were hardly any other boats at the dock that day, so there was quite a landing strip.
I felt my first connection with Mike that day when he was getting on the medicav to Sitka. He was tough, he didn't even really want to go to Sitka, he just wanted to get his clients back out fishing. He got on the plane alone; his boss should have gone with him just so he would have someone on the plane with him in case anything happened, but last minute, his boss decided that Mike really didn't need anyone with him - fucker. I was a millisecond too late in my decision to get on that plane with him. I just felt like someone needed to be there in case something happened - he could have passed out, or went into shock; who knows!
Mike got back to PA two days later with a bandaged finger eager to get out fishing, and by golly - he caught a 60 lb King as a reward for all his troubles. After he got back, was when Mike and I really started hanging out. We were pretty much the only two people over the age of 15 and under the age of 35 in town. We talked, watched movies, just got to know each other - it was nice.
After he left again for a couple weeks, I got his phone number from Molly - I felt like a total stalker. I called, and he was happy I did, which made me happy. When he got back, we got even closer. We talked about Kevin, my ex, and Lisa, his ex - we could relate!
That summer, he was the first person in Alaska I told about my treatment (besides family). It felt good. Granted, I didn't really tell him much, but I still put it out there - he knew something was going on.
When he left for the summer, I was genuinely sad. I didn't want him to leave. He left so suddenly, too, which I've noticed is a trend with him. He calls it "living 30 seconds at a time," which is actually one of the things I really like about him. He doesn't really plan anything - he just sort of flies by the seat of his pants.
When I got to Sitka, we text and kept in contact, but then I went on my trip. But, when I got back, I had a voice message from him. He knew that I must be almost back in cell-phone territory, so he thought he'd give me a try! It was great to have someone want to hear my voice so much that on a whim they just decided to call to see if I happened to have just landed back in the States.
When Mike came to Sitka for Alaska Day, I got to see him for the first time in a month and a half! I couldn't believe how happy it made me. I couldn't stop smiling, but I also knew he was leaving again soon, so it was hard. That weekend, Mike went back to Ketchikan, but then his father was lost at sea! Can you believe how much shit this man has been through - I know I can't. So, back to Sitka he came, which made me happy, but the circumstances were horrible.
I was glad to be here to give Mike something to smile about; that is what he told me anyway that seeing me made him smile. I would have like to have been more help to him, but at least he let me be there for him as much as he did. You know boys - they don't like people to see them when they are down.
Mike left yesterday; he went back to Ketchikan to be with his family and to go back to work, which is understandable. In times like this family is essential and money is a necessity, but I miss him.
It is weird for me to feel like this - so attached to someone so quickly.
I don't know why I felt the need to talk about this; I guess I just realized this is one of the reasons I have been depressed like I mentioned in the previous blog. I'm sad because I miss Mike, sure, but I'm depressed because I realized I haven't been talking about Mike in this way because I wanted to keep it from Kevin. I didn't want to hurt him, but if keeping it bottled up is weirding me out like this, than it is not worth it. So, now, I'm putting it out there. I have a new person in my life that makes me smile. That also weirds me out too, though. I didn't think I was ready to meet someone new that would make me feel this way. It is too fast. But, you know, life happens. Things present themselves and you just have to grasp at them or they will pass you by. Well, I grasped at Mike, and It was one of the best things I did in a while.
I told Kevin that I needed time to focus on me and just be myself, but I also told him I wasn't going to keep my eyes closed to the world/ and men around me. Mike is so utterly different than Kevin. That is probably one of the things that attracts me most to him. He is tall and built; leaving me no reason to be self conscious around him. I'm not afraid to let him pick me up, I don't compare my size to his every time we next to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am still a very self conscious person, but Mike has taken it upon himself to try and rid me of that - he noticed it and has gone out of his way to make me feel better about myself - I'd be willing to bet that if I spend much more time with him; my self consciousness will be pretty much gone, which would be GREAT.
Mike and I talked once about us earlier this summer. We both said we did not want anything serious because we both just got out of something serious, but I think he and I have the possibility of growing into something more serious. Right now we live in different towns and don't get to see a lot of each other, so we are just sort of going with the flow and seeing what happens, but who knows, maybe if we ever end up living in the same town, we could really try and be something - I think we could be good, but we're just going to have to see what happens.
I met Mike this summer. He was fishing in PA. I met him briefly when I first got there, but then he took off to go King fishing with his dad. He came back a couple weeks later to charter fish again, only to lose his finger while out with his clients.
I remember that day so vividly. I was sitting on the bull rail on the dock peering into the water below wondering if I could dive all the way to the bottom and still be able to hold my breath long enough to look around. Kevin, one of the lodge helpers for the summer, dropped Ryan's special gaff overboard, and I offered to dive down at low tide to try and retrieve it - so Kevin could save a little face. That afternoon, though, low tide was not as low as I thought it was going to be, and It wasn't as warm as it had been, hence the just sitting there peering in the water.
Right as i decided to not go swimming that afternoon, Kevin came riding down the dock on his bike. He jumped off and said we had to get ready cause Mike cut his finger off and one of the clients was going to be docking the boat - luckily, there were hardly any other boats at the dock that day, so there was quite a landing strip.
I felt my first connection with Mike that day when he was getting on the medicav to Sitka. He was tough, he didn't even really want to go to Sitka, he just wanted to get his clients back out fishing. He got on the plane alone; his boss should have gone with him just so he would have someone on the plane with him in case anything happened, but last minute, his boss decided that Mike really didn't need anyone with him - fucker. I was a millisecond too late in my decision to get on that plane with him. I just felt like someone needed to be there in case something happened - he could have passed out, or went into shock; who knows!
Mike got back to PA two days later with a bandaged finger eager to get out fishing, and by golly - he caught a 60 lb King as a reward for all his troubles. After he got back, was when Mike and I really started hanging out. We were pretty much the only two people over the age of 15 and under the age of 35 in town. We talked, watched movies, just got to know each other - it was nice.
After he left again for a couple weeks, I got his phone number from Molly - I felt like a total stalker. I called, and he was happy I did, which made me happy. When he got back, we got even closer. We talked about Kevin, my ex, and Lisa, his ex - we could relate!
That summer, he was the first person in Alaska I told about my treatment (besides family). It felt good. Granted, I didn't really tell him much, but I still put it out there - he knew something was going on.
When he left for the summer, I was genuinely sad. I didn't want him to leave. He left so suddenly, too, which I've noticed is a trend with him. He calls it "living 30 seconds at a time," which is actually one of the things I really like about him. He doesn't really plan anything - he just sort of flies by the seat of his pants.
When I got to Sitka, we text and kept in contact, but then I went on my trip. But, when I got back, I had a voice message from him. He knew that I must be almost back in cell-phone territory, so he thought he'd give me a try! It was great to have someone want to hear my voice so much that on a whim they just decided to call to see if I happened to have just landed back in the States.
When Mike came to Sitka for Alaska Day, I got to see him for the first time in a month and a half! I couldn't believe how happy it made me. I couldn't stop smiling, but I also knew he was leaving again soon, so it was hard. That weekend, Mike went back to Ketchikan, but then his father was lost at sea! Can you believe how much shit this man has been through - I know I can't. So, back to Sitka he came, which made me happy, but the circumstances were horrible.
I was glad to be here to give Mike something to smile about; that is what he told me anyway that seeing me made him smile. I would have like to have been more help to him, but at least he let me be there for him as much as he did. You know boys - they don't like people to see them when they are down.
Mike left yesterday; he went back to Ketchikan to be with his family and to go back to work, which is understandable. In times like this family is essential and money is a necessity, but I miss him.
It is weird for me to feel like this - so attached to someone so quickly.
I don't know why I felt the need to talk about this; I guess I just realized this is one of the reasons I have been depressed like I mentioned in the previous blog. I'm sad because I miss Mike, sure, but I'm depressed because I realized I haven't been talking about Mike in this way because I wanted to keep it from Kevin. I didn't want to hurt him, but if keeping it bottled up is weirding me out like this, than it is not worth it. So, now, I'm putting it out there. I have a new person in my life that makes me smile. That also weirds me out too, though. I didn't think I was ready to meet someone new that would make me feel this way. It is too fast. But, you know, life happens. Things present themselves and you just have to grasp at them or they will pass you by. Well, I grasped at Mike, and It was one of the best things I did in a while.
I told Kevin that I needed time to focus on me and just be myself, but I also told him I wasn't going to keep my eyes closed to the world/ and men around me. Mike is so utterly different than Kevin. That is probably one of the things that attracts me most to him. He is tall and built; leaving me no reason to be self conscious around him. I'm not afraid to let him pick me up, I don't compare my size to his every time we next to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am still a very self conscious person, but Mike has taken it upon himself to try and rid me of that - he noticed it and has gone out of his way to make me feel better about myself - I'd be willing to bet that if I spend much more time with him; my self consciousness will be pretty much gone, which would be GREAT.
Mike and I talked once about us earlier this summer. We both said we did not want anything serious because we both just got out of something serious, but I think he and I have the possibility of growing into something more serious. Right now we live in different towns and don't get to see a lot of each other, so we are just sort of going with the flow and seeing what happens, but who knows, maybe if we ever end up living in the same town, we could really try and be something - I think we could be good, but we're just going to have to see what happens.
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's starting to hit me....
I'm sitting at the table at my parents house just staring at a rose. My dad bought it for my mom a couple days ago because it was their anniversary. It makes me sad looking at this rose. It makes me realize that I don't have anyone to buy me a rose; It makes me realize that I won't have anyone to buy me roses for quite some time. I'm alone - truly alone. I'm in Sitka with no best friend and no boy friend. I have friends, but none that I'm ever super excited to go hang out with. Mainly, I just hang out with my brothers and sisters. We get along so well, which is great, but sometimes I just get lonely - like right now, well, like the last few days really.
I've been so tiered lately; I've had pretty much no energy - except to force myself to go for a run because I am doing a 10K race tomorrow, but as soon as I'm done, it has been the couch and TV or reading for me. I haven't even had any motivation to do homework - usually I can at least muster up a little bit.
I had more blood tests done on Tuesday - I found out that my immune system is getting lower (but is not yet in the dangerous level) and that I am anemic. I have to go get more tests next Tuesday to make sure that my iron isn't continuing to drop; if it is, than i'll have to get another shot everyweek to bring up my iron levels (it can't be done through diet or supplements because it is Chemo-induced!!!)
After talking to my doctor, she said the reason I'm finding myself more tired and with less energy is because of the anemia, which sucks. I really wanted this treatment to not have much of an effect on me.
My race is tomorrow. I'm so excited, but also nervous as hell. I know I can run the distance, but I don't want to be the last person to the finish line. I'm so glad that Josh mentioned this race to me, though. It has given me something the look forward to, something to keep me going this past month. After the race is over, though, I'm afraid that I will fall into depression. I won't have anything to look forward to or to keep me occupied. It will just be work and school and treatment, which sucks.
As you can tell by this whole post, I'm sort of falling into a depression-esc state already. Just the idea of spending the winter in Sitka depresses me and makes me sad - I don't want to be here. It is dark all the time. It is dark when I go to work and gets dark about an hour and a half after I get off. It sucks. Sarah isn't here, which sucks. There isn't anything to do except for party and I don't do that. Now that it is winter, bon fires will be scarce, that sucks.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. On the bright side, my race is tomorrow and I'm excited for it. On the bright side, I get to be home for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years, except I'm really sad I won't be with Jessica and her family because after four years that just felt so right. I'm excited for classes to be over next month.... but it sucks that I even have to be in these classes in the first place!
Ok, i'm going to stop with the complaining. I love you all, wish me luck on the race!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I've been so tiered lately; I've had pretty much no energy - except to force myself to go for a run because I am doing a 10K race tomorrow, but as soon as I'm done, it has been the couch and TV or reading for me. I haven't even had any motivation to do homework - usually I can at least muster up a little bit.
I had more blood tests done on Tuesday - I found out that my immune system is getting lower (but is not yet in the dangerous level) and that I am anemic. I have to go get more tests next Tuesday to make sure that my iron isn't continuing to drop; if it is, than i'll have to get another shot everyweek to bring up my iron levels (it can't be done through diet or supplements because it is Chemo-induced!!!)
After talking to my doctor, she said the reason I'm finding myself more tired and with less energy is because of the anemia, which sucks. I really wanted this treatment to not have much of an effect on me.
My race is tomorrow. I'm so excited, but also nervous as hell. I know I can run the distance, but I don't want to be the last person to the finish line. I'm so glad that Josh mentioned this race to me, though. It has given me something the look forward to, something to keep me going this past month. After the race is over, though, I'm afraid that I will fall into depression. I won't have anything to look forward to or to keep me occupied. It will just be work and school and treatment, which sucks.
As you can tell by this whole post, I'm sort of falling into a depression-esc state already. Just the idea of spending the winter in Sitka depresses me and makes me sad - I don't want to be here. It is dark all the time. It is dark when I go to work and gets dark about an hour and a half after I get off. It sucks. Sarah isn't here, which sucks. There isn't anything to do except for party and I don't do that. Now that it is winter, bon fires will be scarce, that sucks.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. On the bright side, my race is tomorrow and I'm excited for it. On the bright side, I get to be home for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years, except I'm really sad I won't be with Jessica and her family because after four years that just felt so right. I'm excited for classes to be over next month.... but it sucks that I even have to be in these classes in the first place!
Ok, i'm going to stop with the complaining. I love you all, wish me luck on the race!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, November 2, 2009
If only life could be painless and constantly happy....
This last week has been hard.
One week ago today, I found out that the father of a VERY close friend was missing. His boat was found on the rocks and he was missing. Already this year, my friend lost his girlfriend of five years (as in broke up), and had his finger chopped off - so, all in all, not a good year. To lose his father on top of it, is pretty much the icing on the cake. I have been trying to be there for him and support him and just make him smile, because in times like these, everyone just needs to try and keep their chin up and keep their sense of humor, but for someone that has just had so much crap happen, it is hard to see the light. I just don't know what else I can do except listen when he is ready to talk and just try to be there when he needs me.
Then, on top of all this, Kevin has been doing some hardcore texting and e-mailing this week. It is so hard on me. I'm trying to get over him and move on and just focus on dealing with where my life is right now - treatment, school, sitka... When I get a bunch of accusatory texts where i have to explain myself for the millionth time answer the same question AGAIN, it gets frustrating. He is so bipolar, too. I go from getting called a "special person" - who has mastered the art of being nice and caring on the outside but is actually a cold, "heartless bitch" on the inside, to having him tell me that he can't live with out me and he is still there for me and still wants me back. I can't deal with all of this right now. It is too hard on me. I want to keep him in my life and keep contact with him, but when it is like this, sometime I feel like severing all ties would be easiest for me and for him - me being so understanding and answering all his texts and e-mails and trying to be nice and what not, is probably just sort of leading him on. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped. I know he won't think so, but he isn't really thinking about what will actually be best for him, he is just thinking of what he thinks will be best for him.
I am sick of being called mean names and hearing that all my friends hate me or think horribly about me. I am tiered of hearing about how much he loves me and misses me. I certainly am tiered of hearing him say he wants to come surprise me in Sitka - definitely the worst thing he could possibly do. I am tiered about worrying about everyone I know who fishes by themselves. It is so hard after you lose someone you know. It just makes you worry so much more about everyone else you know who is out there fishing by themselves. It is tiresome and hard worrying about that all the time. I am already tiered all the time because of my work schedule and my treatment, so now I'm just completely exhausted all the time.
To everyone who knows me - i hope you love me for who I am and how you know me, and don't let things you hear about me sway your judgement of me. Everyone does things that they are not particularly proud of, but if you are a true friend, you will be able to stand by me and accept me for who I am. I know plenty of people who have done some fucked up things in their lives, but I don't judge. I love everyone of my friends and miss them all so dearly at this point in my life. I hope that I haven't lost any close friend because of things that they have heard about me. If there is anything that you have heard and wonder if it is true or not, or want to know "what the fuck i was thinking" at the time - please just talk to me. I have no problem explaining everything and trying to convey what I may or may not have been thinking at the time.
I love you all and miss you all.
If you are a praying type of person, or if you are not, please keep all the people who put their lives on the line fishing everyday in your thoughts - everything helps!!!
xxxxxxxx
One week ago today, I found out that the father of a VERY close friend was missing. His boat was found on the rocks and he was missing. Already this year, my friend lost his girlfriend of five years (as in broke up), and had his finger chopped off - so, all in all, not a good year. To lose his father on top of it, is pretty much the icing on the cake. I have been trying to be there for him and support him and just make him smile, because in times like these, everyone just needs to try and keep their chin up and keep their sense of humor, but for someone that has just had so much crap happen, it is hard to see the light. I just don't know what else I can do except listen when he is ready to talk and just try to be there when he needs me.
Then, on top of all this, Kevin has been doing some hardcore texting and e-mailing this week. It is so hard on me. I'm trying to get over him and move on and just focus on dealing with where my life is right now - treatment, school, sitka... When I get a bunch of accusatory texts where i have to explain myself for the millionth time answer the same question AGAIN, it gets frustrating. He is so bipolar, too. I go from getting called a "special person" - who has mastered the art of being nice and caring on the outside but is actually a cold, "heartless bitch" on the inside, to having him tell me that he can't live with out me and he is still there for me and still wants me back. I can't deal with all of this right now. It is too hard on me. I want to keep him in my life and keep contact with him, but when it is like this, sometime I feel like severing all ties would be easiest for me and for him - me being so understanding and answering all his texts and e-mails and trying to be nice and what not, is probably just sort of leading him on. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped. I know he won't think so, but he isn't really thinking about what will actually be best for him, he is just thinking of what he thinks will be best for him.
I am sick of being called mean names and hearing that all my friends hate me or think horribly about me. I am tiered of hearing about how much he loves me and misses me. I certainly am tiered of hearing him say he wants to come surprise me in Sitka - definitely the worst thing he could possibly do. I am tiered about worrying about everyone I know who fishes by themselves. It is so hard after you lose someone you know. It just makes you worry so much more about everyone else you know who is out there fishing by themselves. It is tiresome and hard worrying about that all the time. I am already tiered all the time because of my work schedule and my treatment, so now I'm just completely exhausted all the time.
To everyone who knows me - i hope you love me for who I am and how you know me, and don't let things you hear about me sway your judgement of me. Everyone does things that they are not particularly proud of, but if you are a true friend, you will be able to stand by me and accept me for who I am. I know plenty of people who have done some fucked up things in their lives, but I don't judge. I love everyone of my friends and miss them all so dearly at this point in my life. I hope that I haven't lost any close friend because of things that they have heard about me. If there is anything that you have heard and wonder if it is true or not, or want to know "what the fuck i was thinking" at the time - please just talk to me. I have no problem explaining everything and trying to convey what I may or may not have been thinking at the time.
I love you all and miss you all.
If you are a praying type of person, or if you are not, please keep all the people who put their lives on the line fishing everyday in your thoughts - everything helps!!!
xxxxxxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
