If only life could be painless and constantly happy....

This last week has been hard.

One week ago today, I found out that the father of a VERY close friend was missing. His boat was found on the rocks and he was missing. Already this year, my friend lost his girlfriend of five years (as in broke up), and had his finger chopped off - so, all in all, not a good year. To lose his father on top of it, is pretty much the icing on the cake. I have been trying to be there for him and support him and just make him smile, because in times like these, everyone just needs to try and keep their chin up and keep their sense of humor, but for someone that has just had so much crap happen, it is hard to see the light. I just don't know what else I can do except listen when he is ready to talk and just try to be there when he needs me.

Then, on top of all this, Kevin has been doing some hardcore texting and e-mailing this week. It is so hard on me. I'm trying to get over him and move on and just focus on dealing with where my life is right now - treatment, school, sitka... When I get a bunch of accusatory texts where i have to explain myself for the millionth time answer the same question AGAIN, it gets frustrating. He is so bipolar, too. I go from getting called a "special person" - who has mastered the art of being nice and caring on the outside but is actually a cold, "heartless bitch" on the inside, to having him tell me that he can't live with out me and he is still there for me and still wants me back. I can't deal with all of this right now. It is too hard on me. I want to keep him in my life and keep contact with him, but when it is like this, sometime I feel like severing all ties would be easiest for me and for him - me being so understanding and answering all his texts and e-mails and trying to be nice and what not, is probably just sort of leading him on. Maybe it would be better if I just stopped. I know he won't think so, but he isn't really thinking about what will actually be best for him, he is just thinking of what he thinks will be best for him.

I am sick of being called mean names and hearing that all my friends hate me or think horribly about me. I am tiered of hearing about how much he loves me and misses me. I certainly am tiered of hearing him say he wants to come surprise me in Sitka - definitely the worst thing he could possibly do. I am tiered about worrying about everyone I know who fishes by themselves. It is so hard after you lose someone you know. It just makes you worry so much more about everyone else you know who is out there fishing by themselves. It is tiresome and hard worrying about that all the time. I am already tiered all the time because of my work schedule and my treatment, so now I'm just completely exhausted all the time.

To everyone who knows me - i hope you love me for who I am and how you know me, and don't let things you hear about me sway your judgement of me. Everyone does things that they are not particularly proud of, but if you are a true friend, you will be able to stand by me and accept me for who I am. I know plenty of people who have done some fucked up things in their lives, but I don't judge. I love everyone of my friends and miss them all so dearly at this point in my life. I hope that I haven't lost any close friend because of things that they have heard about me. If there is anything that you have heard and wonder if it is true or not, or want to know "what the fuck i was thinking" at the time - please just talk to me. I have no problem explaining everything and trying to convey what I may or may not have been thinking at the time.

I love you all and miss you all.

If you are a praying type of person, or if you are not, please keep all the people who put their lives on the line fishing everyday in your thoughts - everything helps!!!

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