And it all comes crashing down

Today was a new experience for me, and not really "new" in a good way. I've had to come to grips with the fact that I am not OK, that this treatment is taking a toll on me more than I have wanted to admit. I don't like admitting that I am weak, that I can't do everything I could do before. I have been pushing myself to lead a normal non-treatment life, and purposely not telling people about it so they won't look at me differently. I guess I need to come to terms with reality, though. I have to realize that I am not 100% by any means, today was the first day that it really hit me, and it hit me hard - I wound up in the emergency room.

Let me start from the beginning.

This morning, I woke up at 4:30 a.m., just like every other day I have to open Highliner. I went to work and everything was fine; although I felt hungrier than usual. Anyway, I got everything set up for work and was just chatting with Brandy, the baker, while I waited for customers.

Around 6 a.m. I decided to cook my oatmeal because my stomach just didn't seem right; i figured eating would help - it usually cures most things that are ever wrong with me - food is good! I took a couple bites of oatmeal, but then a customer pulled up to the drive-thru. I started fixing her double tall skinny latte but felt weird. I was dizzy and a little disoriented - definitely not OK. I went and grabbed the phone by the cash register at the window, dropped it, picked it back up and dialed my bosses number while walking back to the espresso machine. Melissa answered. I remember saying "Melissa, It's Coral down at the shop. I'm not feeling well, I think that you should call someone else." That's as much as I remember saying to her, and next thing I know my head is up against the espresso machine and I'm stairing at the phone, which was no longer connected - weird. I fumbled with the machine to swish around the latte milk steaming, and to pore the shots, and next thing I know I'm falling to the floor. I don't really remember hitting, but I was awake for the fall and got right back up. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew that I needed to finish the drink I was making and get this women out-a-here so I could hang my head out the window and get some fresh air.

I took the women her latte and began to ring her up. I was trying to push the appropriate buttons on the cash register to ring her up, but next thing I know, I'm being woken up to Brandy and Dee (the women with the latte) freaking out and saying to call 911. Brandy helped me sit up and asks if I want her to call 911, and of course I say "no, i think i'm fine." However, Melissa (my boss who i had already called), got weirded out that I hung up on her, so she went and looked at the TV moniters in her house, which stream there from the shop. She saw me pass out, and had already called 911! The fire station is right next door, so three EMTs ran over and beet the ambulance! I was pale as a ghost and my blood pressure and pulse were crazy high. They advised that I go to the hospital, but they were not forcing me to take the ambulance. I called my dad and he came to get me. Haha, so me... always thinking about saving money. Why pay for the ambulance when I can just get a ride?

My lab work came out fine in the emergency room, and my heart is just fine - not a heart attack. The doctor figures the same as what I had told the EMTs. I took my shot for treatment last night, and this was probably just some sort of reaction to it. Suggested treatment from the doc = rest up and drink lots of fluids - surprise surprise! This was only the second week of my new work schedule. I didn't use to open the morning after taking my shot. Last Wednesday I was super tiered all day. When I took my break at 9 a.m., I went to Sunni's office and put my head on the desk cause i just wanted to go to sleep. Anyone who knows me, knows that that is not me. When I am up, I am up. I don't take naps - I don't need naps... I'm just an all around energized smiley girl. Not last Wednesday. I got off work and went home and slept for a few hours!

So, this Wednesday, what was different? Why instead of being just super tiered, did I pass the fuck out and end up in the hospital with tubes, gowns, tongue depressors, thermometers, stethoscopes and urine samples? I don't know and the doctor couldn't tell me, but what I do know is that this treatment is getting more tricky. I can't keep things from people when I pass out in front of them. Now, I'm going to have to give some sort of explanation to my boss. Do i tell her about my illness, or do i just give her some half truth about adverse reactions to some medication that I'm taking and that everything will be fine. What ever I tell her, I should probably let her know that opening on Wednesdays probably isn't the best idea for me.

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm tiered and Its time to take a nap. It has been an eventful morning and its only 10 a.m.

OUCH... My elbow hurts... damn cement/tile floor must smacked it as I hit the deck :(

I feel like shit...

I love the holidays - I really do. I love a white Christmas and everyone coming home to be with friends and family. I love getting a tree and decorating. I love baking cookies and delivering them to all our neighbors and friends. I usually really get into the Holiday season. Not this year, though.

I don't know why, but this year, I have just had trouble getting into it. I boycotted our tree, which is sort of a long story - basically I wanted us to go out as a family to cut down a tree, and I wanted a cedar tree, but I came home one afternoon and my dad had gotten a tree all ready. A really small Bull Pine, which I have never really liked. Somehow, his nice gesture of getting the tree early, so we could have it up for a while and decorate it and everything, just pissed me off. It pissed me off that he knew I wanted to go out to get it with him, yet he didn't include me. It pissed me off that he got a damn Bull Pine, which I've usually always tried to avoid, so he should know I don't particularly like them.... OK, yes, it pissed me off a little, but mostly it hurt my feelings and made me sad.

The whole tree debockle sort of made my holiday mood take a turn for the worst. The tree sat there for a week and a half before my mom finally decorated it because I wouldn't do it.

I did make all my Christmas cookies today, though. I love to bake, so that put me into a good mood, but for some reason whenever my parents come in and want to start eating them all it drives me nuts. I wish they could just let me do what I need to do. There are always leftovers; I just never know how much leftovers there are going to be of each kind of cookie, and I want to for sure have enough for all my cookie plates... i wish they could just calm the fuck down and wait for me to make the plates, and then eat what is left over.

I hate how easy I get into a bad mood. And it is not even something I can blame on the chemo. I have always been like this. I know it drove Kevin insane, and I know it must drive everyone else around me insane, too. I get such bad mood swings. I will be peachy-keen one second and then something will happen that for some reason upsets me and then bam, I am in a crappy mood that just brings down most everyone around me, too. I hate that about myself! I really wish I could work on it and change that about myself, but It just doesn't seem possible. I try, but then someone does something stupid and I just can't keep my mouth shut, and I wind up getting in a bad mood trying to explain to them why they should have done something different - or in a more efficient way, or something. I don't really even know how to explain it, I guess. I just know that I am moody and easily pissy, and it is something I need to work on.

I am ready to be out of Sitka, that is for sure! I am ready to not be living at my parents house - not that it is really that bad of a situation, but going from having my own place to living at home again, totally sucks. I don't like having to explain where I am going and what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with. I don't like feeling guilty when I come home late at night and wake my dad up because he is sleeping on the living room floor. I don't like always wondering what they must think of me when I don't come home or when I come home at like 3 in the morning. I'm an adult and I just should be living at home. I should be able to live my own life and not have to answer to them about such things. It is really nice to not have to be paying rent, though. And it is nice to have them as my support group for my chemo, but I'm so done with it. The chemo is totally handle-able, as of now, so I think I could deal with living on my own while finishing treatment.... maybe I should just go live down in Seattle for the second semester? WHO KNOWS... i would miss my job, parts of it... although I would probably lose the weight I have gained because I wouldn't be around baked goods all the damn time... I have absolutely NO willpower - it is pathetic!

That is another reason I feel like shit, I guess... my self esteem is going down-hill fast. I am gaining weight, I'm too tiered to run as far as I could even a month ago...my stomach is gross where I give myself my injections (just red and sort of dried out)... There is just a lot to feel shitty about, and that never goes over very well for me, because feeling shitty equals eating more, which just makes me feel even shittier - a VERY VICIOUS CYCLE!!!!

I'm done bitching for now, I guess... thanks for listening.

I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party tonight. It was really fun!

Two down, four to go

Well, yesterday I took shot number 9, which marked the 8th week of my treatment. Two months down, only four months to go! HAHA, ya right - only. Four months seems like an eon away to me. Ya, these last two months did seem to go by insanely fast, but I have a feeling that the next four will go by at snail speed.

I'm really excited for mid December to mid January, though. I won't have classes to worry about, papers to write, tests to take - Thank goodness. I'm so sick of school. I don't want to be taking these classes. Well, actually, most of them are not too bad, it is just a matter of having to take the classes when I don't want to be taking them. I already have a degree. I shouldn't be in school anymore. It's not like I'm going for a Master's or a Doctorate - Hell No!

I turned in my Memoir last night. That was actually a fun class. I enjoyed writing. Well, I didn't really enjoy having to write, but I liked that I actually wrote! I find myself with writers block all the time, but memoir writing sort of forced me to write. I know a lot of what I wrote was total crap, but at least I was writing. My professor said that is what really matters. As long as you force yourself to just sit down and freewrite everyday, you know, get the creative juices flowing. Than eventually something good will just sort of come out!

I also really like my science of nutrition class, but I hate the time crunch. I would love to read the book and learn everything, but having to read everything and do all the assignments so quickly, just makes me hate it. I read everything really fast, so then I don't retain any of it. I love everything that I read, but it is so pointless because I'm not retaining any of it - i'm not actually learning anything, which sucks. I think I'll keep the book even after the class is over so I can go back and re-read the really interesting parts.

Ok - enough complaining about school. I better actually get to work. I have two more chapters to read in Nutrition before my test tomorrow.

-Coral