But it is Hard....

When the lipstick goes on - that's when all us women feel different - beautiful. As we hide behind the wondrous shades of Strawberry Suede, Fabulous Fig, and Cocoa Craving, sometimes we get lost in the moment. We let ourselves pretend we are that girl walking down the runway in the hot new Revlon lipstick shade, instead of being the plain, ordinary women that we are. But what is wrong with living for a moment? If putting on a new shade of lipstick allows us to step out of our life if only for a minute, we should grasp at that moment. Shouldn't we?

At this time in my life, my life is not what I want it to be - not even close. But, by putting on some lipstick and maybe a new shirt, I am able to feel good about myself. Part of me wants to just go out and buy every shade of lipstick that they have down at our Harry Race - the only store in Sitka with make up - so that I can just constantly put on another shade - so that I can always feel like that women on the runway - so that I can forget about what I am going through at this time in my life and feel like a truly beautiful women.

But, alas, after sampling a new shade of lipstick, I don't buy it. I think to myself "why should I even bother?" I put the lipstick back on the shelf, steal a glance in the mirror and grimace, and then walk out of the store with my shoulders slumped and the hood of my sweatshirt back on. I really wish I could pull myself out of this slump. I wish I could hold my head up high and proudly purchase that rose lipstick I liked so much.

I have a little more than a month and a half of my treatment left. I was warned about the effects of the treatment and I tried for months to ignore them. It was a reality check when I went to the emergency room, and since then, I have been trying to force myself to realize my situation. Ignoring my treatment and the effects it has on me was obviously not the way to deal with things. But now that I am facing the facts and trying to handle my situation, I find myself unable to cope.

I'm not very good with the whole "unable to cope" thing. I'm not the type of person that doesn't cope. I deal with things as they come - I face forward - I hit the ground running. But now I can't. I feel like I'm losing my identity - I'm losing who I am. Who is the person I'm becoming? Who is this girl that sits around all the time doing nothing because she can't even muster up the energy to get off the couch. Who is this girl that goes around needing guys to see her in order to feel good about herself. Who is this girl that can't even run 2 miles anymore. I hate who I'm becoming; I hate that this treatment is effecting me so much...the list could go on, but most of all, I hate that I am sitting here talking about all these things I hate. I was never that type of person before this treatment - I don't like the word hate... i didn't use it very often before, but I seem to be using it all the time, now.

Obviously, life is rough and I need to just friggin' deal with it - but it is hard.

Why does my life suck?

Not to sound so pathetic or anything, but really - that is how I feel. My life just seems to be running out of control and I really can't seem to get a hold of it. I am just so tiered all the time, which is not OK with me. I am usually such an up-beat person, like I've said before. Any of you who now me, know that about me. I'm smiley, easy to laugh; just an all-around happy person. Not that I have changed that much in the last 3.5 months. I still put on a really good front. I still smile and laugh and act as happy as I can, but sometimes I just can't put on that front anymore. Sometime I just have to stay away from people and wallow in self pity on the couch - never fun. I just wish that I could go down to Washington and hang out with all my friends and get the fuck out of Sitka, but now I can't! Now, I have to stay in Sitka until May. Now, I have to go to class every Thursday. Now, I HAVE to stay in Sitka. That is the main part. Before, I had the option to leave. I was planning on peacing out in February and spending the duration of my treatment traveling to see my grandparents in Florida, and then go to Hawaii for the first time EVER, then I was just going to hang out in Seattle and go to the "support your stepper" in Bellingham in March (I'm still gunna try to go to that!!! I just need to know when it is)... But, now I can't do any of that, and it pisses me off.

I'm gunna try and make a trip down to Washington for my spring break, but man, that is just not going to be long enough...

I hate that I'm scared.

Last week at this time I was lying in bed watching Heroes... perfect ending to a long day. I spaced out my shot and didn't take it until around 8:30 or 9 p.m., and then I went back to Heroes and then to sleep. The next morning was normal - As I've already talked about a couple blogs ago....I ended up in the Emergency Room.

Anyway, so this morning was the first morning that I opened since my incident and work was frighting. I kept standing there making a drink or poring some coffee wondering if I was going to find myself waking up on the floor with scorching hot coffee all over me. Well, today was fine. I didn't pass out, landing myself back in the hospital, thank goodness.

BUT, tomorrow is what really scares the hell out of me. I took my shot tonight, and I have to open tomorrow, which makes me nervous. What if it happens again. What if this reaction to my medication become more permanent? I don't want to have people wondering about my ability to do my job or to just be a normal-non-fainting-person. I'll keep you posted... I just hope it all it all goes OK for my sake and for my co-workers and customer's sakes...i don't want to frighten the hell out of any more coffee-seeking early-birds.

-coral

Keep on Keepin' on?

I don't know what to feel or how to feel it. I find my self sitting alone a lot. Just sitting and thinking. I don't ever really know what I'm thinking about either. I just stair off into space. Doing this all the time makes everything worse. When I realize that I have been wasting time sitting in nothingness, I start feeling sorry for myself. Why - I don't know.

I feel like I'm slipping into depression or something. I was warned that with this treatment came the possibility of depression, but I never thought much of it. I am a happy person, normally! I never thought I could be truly depressed. I know a lot of people who have issues with depression and I never could understand it very well. I always wondered what happened in their life that caused them to slip into it - what was that one thing that they just couldn't ignore - that they couldn't turn a blind eye to?

Now I'm beginning to relate, not that I'm happy about that. Its not like I want to be depressed. But, nothing I try makes it any better. I am good at putting on a front - making people think I'm peachy keen. I know this about myself, and some people know this about me, too. Although, even though they know that about me, they can never TRULY tell when I'm am fronting.

So, here I am. Living in a town that I don't really want to be in at this moment in my life. Here I am working at a job that just gives me something to do. Here I am going to school even though I don't want to be. Here I am being treated for a disease that I don't want to have and shouldn't have to deal with.

There it, the icing on the cake. The thing that is running my life. This treatment is taking its toll. I'm tired all the time. I can't sleep very well even when I do sleep. I am cold and hungry all the time. My energy level is hitting an all-time low. It is crap, and last week it landed me in the emergency room - what is that about? How did I let that happen? How did I let this treatment take over my life to the point of hospitalization? I should have been able to control it more than that.

Well, it stops right now. The treatment is not longer going to run my life - I'm going to run my life. I know that this means that I need to be a little more in-tune with my life. I need to pay attention to my body. I need to realize the signs my body gives me - when I need to take a nap, when I need to rest and drink fluids. If I can get it together to realize what my body tells me, than I can keep myself out of the damn hospital, but still enjoy my life. Maybe if I can pull this off, I can kick this self loathing / depression that I've found myself in the mist of.