But it is Hard....

When the lipstick goes on - that's when all us women feel different - beautiful. As we hide behind the wondrous shades of Strawberry Suede, Fabulous Fig, and Cocoa Craving, sometimes we get lost in the moment. We let ourselves pretend we are that girl walking down the runway in the hot new Revlon lipstick shade, instead of being the plain, ordinary women that we are. But what is wrong with living for a moment? If putting on a new shade of lipstick allows us to step out of our life if only for a minute, we should grasp at that moment. Shouldn't we?

At this time in my life, my life is not what I want it to be - not even close. But, by putting on some lipstick and maybe a new shirt, I am able to feel good about myself. Part of me wants to just go out and buy every shade of lipstick that they have down at our Harry Race - the only store in Sitka with make up - so that I can just constantly put on another shade - so that I can always feel like that women on the runway - so that I can forget about what I am going through at this time in my life and feel like a truly beautiful women.

But, alas, after sampling a new shade of lipstick, I don't buy it. I think to myself "why should I even bother?" I put the lipstick back on the shelf, steal a glance in the mirror and grimace, and then walk out of the store with my shoulders slumped and the hood of my sweatshirt back on. I really wish I could pull myself out of this slump. I wish I could hold my head up high and proudly purchase that rose lipstick I liked so much.

I have a little more than a month and a half of my treatment left. I was warned about the effects of the treatment and I tried for months to ignore them. It was a reality check when I went to the emergency room, and since then, I have been trying to force myself to realize my situation. Ignoring my treatment and the effects it has on me was obviously not the way to deal with things. But now that I am facing the facts and trying to handle my situation, I find myself unable to cope.

I'm not very good with the whole "unable to cope" thing. I'm not the type of person that doesn't cope. I deal with things as they come - I face forward - I hit the ground running. But now I can't. I feel like I'm losing my identity - I'm losing who I am. Who is the person I'm becoming? Who is this girl that sits around all the time doing nothing because she can't even muster up the energy to get off the couch. Who is this girl that goes around needing guys to see her in order to feel good about herself. Who is this girl that can't even run 2 miles anymore. I hate who I'm becoming; I hate that this treatment is effecting me so much...the list could go on, but most of all, I hate that I am sitting here talking about all these things I hate. I was never that type of person before this treatment - I don't like the word hate... i didn't use it very often before, but I seem to be using it all the time, now.

Obviously, life is rough and I need to just friggin' deal with it - but it is hard.