Moving On.....

Starting this treatment has been hard. I haven't had much to look forward to or to keep my spirits up, but throughout all this, one thing, one person actually, has been there for me. OK, multiple people have been there for me, asking how I'm doing, but this person has been here physically for me more than any other.

I met Mike this summer. He was fishing in PA. I met him briefly when I first got there, but then he took off to go King fishing with his dad. He came back a couple weeks later to charter fish again, only to lose his finger while out with his clients.

I remember that day so vividly. I was sitting on the bull rail on the dock peering into the water below wondering if I could dive all the way to the bottom and still be able to hold my breath long enough to look around. Kevin, one of the lodge helpers for the summer, dropped Ryan's special gaff overboard, and I offered to dive down at low tide to try and retrieve it - so Kevin could save a little face. That afternoon, though, low tide was not as low as I thought it was going to be, and It wasn't as warm as it had been, hence the just sitting there peering in the water.

Right as i decided to not go swimming that afternoon, Kevin came riding down the dock on his bike. He jumped off and said we had to get ready cause Mike cut his finger off and one of the clients was going to be docking the boat - luckily, there were hardly any other boats at the dock that day, so there was quite a landing strip.

I felt my first connection with Mike that day when he was getting on the medicav to Sitka. He was tough, he didn't even really want to go to Sitka, he just wanted to get his clients back out fishing. He got on the plane alone; his boss should have gone with him just so he would have someone on the plane with him in case anything happened, but last minute, his boss decided that Mike really didn't need anyone with him - fucker. I was a millisecond too late in my decision to get on that plane with him. I just felt like someone needed to be there in case something happened - he could have passed out, or went into shock; who knows!

Mike got back to PA two days later with a bandaged finger eager to get out fishing, and by golly - he caught a 60 lb King as a reward for all his troubles. After he got back, was when Mike and I really started hanging out. We were pretty much the only two people over the age of 15 and under the age of 35 in town. We talked, watched movies, just got to know each other - it was nice.

After he left again for a couple weeks, I got his phone number from Molly - I felt like a total stalker. I called, and he was happy I did, which made me happy. When he got back, we got even closer. We talked about Kevin, my ex, and Lisa, his ex - we could relate!

That summer, he was the first person in Alaska I told about my treatment (besides family). It felt good. Granted, I didn't really tell him much, but I still put it out there - he knew something was going on.

When he left for the summer, I was genuinely sad. I didn't want him to leave. He left so suddenly, too, which I've noticed is a trend with him. He calls it "living 30 seconds at a time," which is actually one of the things I really like about him. He doesn't really plan anything - he just sort of flies by the seat of his pants.

When I got to Sitka, we text and kept in contact, but then I went on my trip. But, when I got back, I had a voice message from him. He knew that I must be almost back in cell-phone territory, so he thought he'd give me a try! It was great to have someone want to hear my voice so much that on a whim they just decided to call to see if I happened to have just landed back in the States.

When Mike came to Sitka for Alaska Day, I got to see him for the first time in a month and a half! I couldn't believe how happy it made me. I couldn't stop smiling, but I also knew he was leaving again soon, so it was hard. That weekend, Mike went back to Ketchikan, but then his father was lost at sea! Can you believe how much shit this man has been through - I know I can't. So, back to Sitka he came, which made me happy, but the circumstances were horrible.

I was glad to be here to give Mike something to smile about; that is what he told me anyway that seeing me made him smile. I would have like to have been more help to him, but at least he let me be there for him as much as he did. You know boys - they don't like people to see them when they are down.

Mike left yesterday; he went back to Ketchikan to be with his family and to go back to work, which is understandable. In times like this family is essential and money is a necessity, but I miss him.

It is weird for me to feel like this - so attached to someone so quickly.

I don't know why I felt the need to talk about this; I guess I just realized this is one of the reasons I have been depressed like I mentioned in the previous blog. I'm sad because I miss Mike, sure, but I'm depressed because I realized I haven't been talking about Mike in this way because I wanted to keep it from Kevin. I didn't want to hurt him, but if keeping it bottled up is weirding me out like this, than it is not worth it. So, now, I'm putting it out there. I have a new person in my life that makes me smile. That also weirds me out too, though. I didn't think I was ready to meet someone new that would make me feel this way. It is too fast. But, you know, life happens. Things present themselves and you just have to grasp at them or they will pass you by. Well, I grasped at Mike, and It was one of the best things I did in a while.

I told Kevin that I needed time to focus on me and just be myself, but I also told him I wasn't going to keep my eyes closed to the world/ and men around me. Mike is so utterly different than Kevin. That is probably one of the things that attracts me most to him. He is tall and built; leaving me no reason to be self conscious around him. I'm not afraid to let him pick me up, I don't compare my size to his every time we next to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am still a very self conscious person, but Mike has taken it upon himself to try and rid me of that - he noticed it and has gone out of his way to make me feel better about myself - I'd be willing to bet that if I spend much more time with him; my self consciousness will be pretty much gone, which would be GREAT.

Mike and I talked once about us earlier this summer. We both said we did not want anything serious because we both just got out of something serious, but I think he and I have the possibility of growing into something more serious. Right now we live in different towns and don't get to see a lot of each other, so we are just sort of going with the flow and seeing what happens, but who knows, maybe if we ever end up living in the same town, we could really try and be something - I think we could be good, but we're just going to have to see what happens.