The Countdown Begins

This morning, I was in the shower and heard a knock at the door. I knew who it was, so I didn't go running in a towel - I knew the UPS guy would just leave the packages on the porch and keep going on his route.

When I was done getting dressed I walked out into the living room and stared at the door for a couple minutes. Finally, I opened it and grabbed the two packages. Part of me wanted me to be wrong in my thinking that it was the UPS guy at the door - I didn't want to have to deal with these particular packages, but I knew that's who it was.

What was in the packages you might ask. Well, it was the first batch of my meds for chemo. I opened the big box first and opened the Styrofoam cooler inside it. I pulled out the two red biohazard "sharps" containers that they conveniently sent along with my 12 individually packaged shots that I will have to self administer every week. After I put the shots into the fridge, I sat on the kitchen floor staring. I wasn't staring at anything in particular; I was just staring into space. It had finally hit me. I am going to have to do this. It has been slowly registering to me all summer, but having the meds actually arrive at my door sort of hit me like a monster truck at 70 miles an hour. I don't want to have to do this treatment. It scares the hell out of me. So, having the shots and pills actually show up - it just put me in my place I guess. It made me realize that I really am going to have to do it; that there is no way out of it.

No person in their right mind would look forward to starting this sort of treatment. Who wants to take a shot every week and pills everyday that are going to make them sick all of the time? Not me, that's for sure. I think one of the things that scares me the most is not knowing exactly how these meds are going to effect me. Yes, I saw my mom go through this same treatment, so I know what it can be like. But, I hope to God that the meds don't effect me the same way. I am hoping that because I am younger, healthier and in better shape that the side effects will be a lot less extreme. I don't want to be vomiting all the time and unable to sleep. I don't want to basically have the flu for 6 months. That is what the pamphlets say - that the meds give you flu-like symptoms. Who wants to have the flu for six months?

Yes, doing this treatment is better than the alternative, I guess. If I don't do the treatment there is a possibility that my liver could fail me someday - at one point I was almost willing to take that chance, but then it occurred to me that if I didn't get it treated before I want to have kids, there is a possibility I could pass it on to them - and who would want that. I know my mom probably feels horrible for passing it onto me; I try to make her not feel bad about it, but there is really nothing I can say.

A couple days ago, one of my really good friends lost her father. His liver started to fail and within a week he was dead. That sort of put me in my place, too. Yes, he was an alcoholic, so his liver was pretty bad to start, but still just knowing someone who died from liver failure sort of freaked me out. I don't want to ever have to go through that, so I am going to do this 6-month treatment and pray to God that it works, that I will be free of this Hepatitis C and that I will never have to worry or think about it again.