It's starting to hit me....

I'm sitting at the table at my parents house just staring at a rose. My dad bought it for my mom a couple days ago because it was their anniversary. It makes me sad looking at this rose. It makes me realize that I don't have anyone to buy me a rose; It makes me realize that I won't have anyone to buy me roses for quite some time. I'm alone - truly alone. I'm in Sitka with no best friend and no boy friend. I have friends, but none that I'm ever super excited to go hang out with. Mainly, I just hang out with my brothers and sisters. We get along so well, which is great, but sometimes I just get lonely - like right now, well, like the last few days really.

I've been so tiered lately; I've had pretty much no energy - except to force myself to go for a run because I am doing a 10K race tomorrow, but as soon as I'm done, it has been the couch and TV or reading for me. I haven't even had any motivation to do homework - usually I can at least muster up a little bit.

I had more blood tests done on Tuesday - I found out that my immune system is getting lower (but is not yet in the dangerous level) and that I am anemic. I have to go get more tests next Tuesday to make sure that my iron isn't continuing to drop; if it is, than i'll have to get another shot everyweek to bring up my iron levels (it can't be done through diet or supplements because it is Chemo-induced!!!)

After talking to my doctor, she said the reason I'm finding myself more tired and with less energy is because of the anemia, which sucks. I really wanted this treatment to not have much of an effect on me.

My race is tomorrow. I'm so excited, but also nervous as hell. I know I can run the distance, but I don't want to be the last person to the finish line. I'm so glad that Josh mentioned this race to me, though. It has given me something the look forward to, something to keep me going this past month. After the race is over, though, I'm afraid that I will fall into depression. I won't have anything to look forward to or to keep me occupied. It will just be work and school and treatment, which sucks.

As you can tell by this whole post, I'm sort of falling into a depression-esc state already. Just the idea of spending the winter in Sitka depresses me and makes me sad - I don't want to be here. It is dark all the time. It is dark when I go to work and gets dark about an hour and a half after I get off. It sucks. Sarah isn't here, which sucks. There isn't anything to do except for party and I don't do that. Now that it is winter, bon fires will be scarce, that sucks.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. On the bright side, my race is tomorrow and I'm excited for it. On the bright side, I get to be home for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years, except I'm really sad I won't be with Jessica and her family because after four years that just felt so right. I'm excited for classes to be over next month.... but it sucks that I even have to be in these classes in the first place!

Ok, i'm going to stop with the complaining. I love you all, wish me luck on the race!!!

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