I feel like shit...

I love the holidays - I really do. I love a white Christmas and everyone coming home to be with friends and family. I love getting a tree and decorating. I love baking cookies and delivering them to all our neighbors and friends. I usually really get into the Holiday season. Not this year, though.

I don't know why, but this year, I have just had trouble getting into it. I boycotted our tree, which is sort of a long story - basically I wanted us to go out as a family to cut down a tree, and I wanted a cedar tree, but I came home one afternoon and my dad had gotten a tree all ready. A really small Bull Pine, which I have never really liked. Somehow, his nice gesture of getting the tree early, so we could have it up for a while and decorate it and everything, just pissed me off. It pissed me off that he knew I wanted to go out to get it with him, yet he didn't include me. It pissed me off that he got a damn Bull Pine, which I've usually always tried to avoid, so he should know I don't particularly like them.... OK, yes, it pissed me off a little, but mostly it hurt my feelings and made me sad.

The whole tree debockle sort of made my holiday mood take a turn for the worst. The tree sat there for a week and a half before my mom finally decorated it because I wouldn't do it.

I did make all my Christmas cookies today, though. I love to bake, so that put me into a good mood, but for some reason whenever my parents come in and want to start eating them all it drives me nuts. I wish they could just let me do what I need to do. There are always leftovers; I just never know how much leftovers there are going to be of each kind of cookie, and I want to for sure have enough for all my cookie plates... i wish they could just calm the fuck down and wait for me to make the plates, and then eat what is left over.

I hate how easy I get into a bad mood. And it is not even something I can blame on the chemo. I have always been like this. I know it drove Kevin insane, and I know it must drive everyone else around me insane, too. I get such bad mood swings. I will be peachy-keen one second and then something will happen that for some reason upsets me and then bam, I am in a crappy mood that just brings down most everyone around me, too. I hate that about myself! I really wish I could work on it and change that about myself, but It just doesn't seem possible. I try, but then someone does something stupid and I just can't keep my mouth shut, and I wind up getting in a bad mood trying to explain to them why they should have done something different - or in a more efficient way, or something. I don't really even know how to explain it, I guess. I just know that I am moody and easily pissy, and it is something I need to work on.

I am ready to be out of Sitka, that is for sure! I am ready to not be living at my parents house - not that it is really that bad of a situation, but going from having my own place to living at home again, totally sucks. I don't like having to explain where I am going and what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with. I don't like feeling guilty when I come home late at night and wake my dad up because he is sleeping on the living room floor. I don't like always wondering what they must think of me when I don't come home or when I come home at like 3 in the morning. I'm an adult and I just should be living at home. I should be able to live my own life and not have to answer to them about such things. It is really nice to not have to be paying rent, though. And it is nice to have them as my support group for my chemo, but I'm so done with it. The chemo is totally handle-able, as of now, so I think I could deal with living on my own while finishing treatment.... maybe I should just go live down in Seattle for the second semester? WHO KNOWS... i would miss my job, parts of it... although I would probably lose the weight I have gained because I wouldn't be around baked goods all the damn time... I have absolutely NO willpower - it is pathetic!

That is another reason I feel like shit, I guess... my self esteem is going down-hill fast. I am gaining weight, I'm too tiered to run as far as I could even a month ago...my stomach is gross where I give myself my injections (just red and sort of dried out)... There is just a lot to feel shitty about, and that never goes over very well for me, because feeling shitty equals eating more, which just makes me feel even shittier - a VERY VICIOUS CYCLE!!!!

I'm done bitching for now, I guess... thanks for listening.

I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party tonight. It was really fun!